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Saturday, October 27, 2007

Ben Cousins: Hot Potato

With Ben Cousins safely out of the country, it's now up to his manager Ricky Nixon to try to find Ben a new club for the 2008 season. But who'd have such a repeat offender in their midst? And will deals be done before the AFL Executive makes a ruling on a charge of "bringing the game into disrepute"? Join us in the game of Ben Cousins Hot Potato as we track the desperate bid to secure Cousins' playing career.

Ben Cousins, shown below heading to the airport with well-wishers, jetted out to complete his drug rehab (and a spot of firefighting!) in Malibu. We're all hoping the next attempt goes better than the first session. No doubt, the stylists, masseuses, hairdressers, pedicurists, manicurists, trainers, nutritionists, astrologists and other clinic staff will all be rooting for him too.

Cousins Leaves for Airport in Convoy ...

Before Re-enacting Cavity Search for Cameras

Perth's meth and coke markets reacted strongly to the news, with prices plummeting in response to the fall in aggregate demand. Analysts predict markets will rebound as a number of meth labs are reportedly closing up shop. However, they point to the absence of a surge in second-hand glassware on eBay, suggesting the drop in supply will be temporary. Clearly, many manufacturers and importers are expecting Cousins to return to form.

As a sign of just how badly Cousins' mental state has deteriorated, he declared he "absolutely" would play again in the AFL. He leaves the Herculean task of shopping him around to player-agent Ricky "Millhouse" Nixon, perhaps best known on this site for his management of Wayne Carey during the dark days of the infamous dunny-shag.

Nixon's now talking up the prospects of a deal with another club:

"It's not a matter of if, but when," Nixon said last night.

"And probably in Victoria."


"I read all these newspaper reports about clubs saying they do not want him. That's different in what they're saying to me," Nixon said. (Herald-Sun, 26/10/2007)

Meanwhile, the AFL Commission are meeting on the 19th and 20th of November to, in part, decide whether or not to charge Cousins' with "bringing the game into disrepute". This will seem him locked out. For good.

(In fairness to Ben, the incremental amount of "disrepute" he brought into the game is really quite modest. Dozens of players have been in court this past few years and nearly all the vices have been covered. Should he wish to mount this defence, his lawyers are welcome to use the menu on the right to browse through the litany of bashings, rapes, drug-abuse, traffic offences, sleaze and swindles.)

So Tricky Ricky's going to have to use all the tricks in his book to land this deal in the next 28 days. The clocks ticking, Ricky! Move over, Arliss. Get out of the way Jerry Maguire. Forget it, Trevor Heslop. And step off Ari Gold. Ricky Nixon is going to get this hot potato a contract!

There are only 16 AFL clubs in the league. Join us as we track in real-time the dwindling list of possibilities. If you hear of a club publicly ruling out Ben Cousins joining their list, drop us a comment (with source!).

Port Adelaide.
West Coast Eagles.
St Kilda.
Western Bulldogs.

With plenty of clubs still to rule out having Cousins on their list, it should be an exciting few weeks. Is anyone - even RichmondFremantle - desperate enough to sign-up this talented but deeply flawed player for another couple of seasons? Stay tuned.

*** UPDATE ***

BLOODY HELL! Disgraced Ben Cousins has gone missing in LA. He never showed up to his rehab clinic, instead disappearing with "two blonde women" in a "Mercedez-Benz sports car" who picked him up at the airport.

Sources close to the Summit Centre in Malibu told The Australian yesterday the 29-year-old failed to check in, as scheduled, on Monday.

They say they are worried for his safety.

"No one has any idea where he is," said a person with knowledge of the situation.

"He's got everyone freaking out because LA's not a good place to be out doing what he may be doing.

"I just hope nothing bad happens to him." (The Australian, 1/11/2007)

Geez. Like Ricky Nixon didn't have a tough enough job shopping him around. Now he's AWOL, I hope any bidding clubs insist on COD.

I sincerely hope he's not waving a bunch of cash around the mean streets of Los Angeles trying to score meth. That city will eat him alive. I've watched Cops and it's no picnic.

Here's hoping the whole thing is a stunt to throw the media off his scent. Or win public sympathy. Hell, even if he turns up tomorrow covered in hickies, genital warts and pubic lice it would be a better outcome.

*** UPDATE ***

Well, Ben Cousins has cranked out another episode in his ongoing saga. It turns out he wasn't wandering the streets of LA trying to score meth after all. His father, Bryan Cousins, put out a media release stating that Cousins' is not loose or missing but in secret rehab.

He has since been charged with "bringing the game into disrepute" and fronts up to a hearing at the AFL Commission on the 19th of November. This makes poor old Ricky Nixon's job a lot harder.

Now, Cousins is back from the US and undertaking more secret rehab in Sydney. Let's hope "secret rehab" doesn't involve the use of glass pipes, white powders and naked women.

Citations: Herald-Sun, 26/10/2007; The Australian, 1/11/2007

Word Count: 1002

Tags: footy, swindle

Labels: ,



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  • Cross of Richmond as well allegedly.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:52 am, October 28, 2007  

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  • I hear Collingwood are interested. Cousins will be right at home with a fantastic rogues gallery including Brodie "woman basher" Holland and Alan "shoot to thrill" Didak.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:24 am, October 28, 2007  

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  • I'd always seen Cousins as fitting in naturally with St Kilda's "party club" vibe.

    But, yeah, it would take a spinmeister of the calibre of Eddie McGuire to sign up Cuz and make it palatable to the footy-going public.

    By Blogger Greg, at 4:12 pm, October 28, 2007  

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  • I haven't seen anything official but I think you can pretty much cross off Fremantle as I just can't see him returning to Perth, he has to move, and any chance of the AFL letting him back in, has to be based on not in Perth.


    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:33 pm, October 29, 2007  

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  • Wow, if you believe the header on this article, Freo have said that they would take him: We'll take Cousins: Freo.
    Unfortunately when you read the actual article, they don't say this at all, they just do rule it out. SO unless a quote got lost between the Crtl-X and the Crtl-v, they probably haven't said they would take him.


    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:17 pm, October 29, 2007  

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  • It actually appears that he isn't missing. Perhaps he has just given the media the slip (or he is on a bender).

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:49 pm, November 01, 2007  

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