Drugs Backdown Increases AFL Player Threat

Since our post on AFL and the World Anti-Doping Agency was published the AFL has announced a humiliating backdown on its drugs policy. Now, AFL players who take drugs will face detection and public exposure even during the off-season. This means they will be forced to work for their tens of thousands of dollars per hour and not rip off their team mates, fans and the viewing public by putting in a half-arsed drug-addled performance. Of course, they'll have their hands out for half a million dollars in taxpayer funds now, which should pay for a few herbal cigarettes. (You may ask: Why do clubs who spend tens of millions on salaries - and would spend a lot more if it weren't for the salary cap - get government handouts? I'm afraid you'd have to live here to understand.)

What does this mean for the AFL Players Association? Well, they've issued a predictable press release, and on our copy we noticed that tacked on the end was a rather amateurish looking classified ad:

Free to Good Home.
Melbourne's Only Footy Team Bong.
Must have own trailer.
(Modelled by Janelle, not included.)
You're probably saying to yourself "Surely that one hookah can't service an entire AFL football team!" ... okay, I admit I was going to make a lame joke here. But, seriously, given the way AFL players abuse women, the blatant misogynism ... it's kind of tasteless.

Which brings us to the point of this post: given that AFL players will have to cut out the pot and ecstasy, this means they will necessarily drink more. And hence become more aggro and dangerous to the rest of us than they are already. While there may be a slight amelioration due to the reduced instances of amphetamine psychosis, the net effect will be more violence. As a result, the AFL Player Threat Level has been raised to Red. Sure, the new policy doesn't come into effect until the end of season, but some players may choose to begin their withdrawal now. I for one wouldn't want to come across a wired set of footy players, jonesing for a pill or a choof and having to make do with bourbon and coke ... or maybe a bit of the old ultra-violence for a chemical-free thrill.

Word Count: 394

Tags: footy, drugs