Bogan Courtship Lands Demon in Court

Colin Sylvia may be the star Demon recruit (imp?), but he's got a lot to learn about romance judging by last weekend's efforts. To help with the love lessons, a magistrate has spelled out in some detail the requirements: cut out the violence and threats! Sadly, the magistrate has misunderstood the nature of bogan lovin'.

Colin Sylvia, After Agreeing Not To Attack Elise Whichello.
(Until February 2007)
Source: The Age


The cause of the couple's dispute remain unknown, although Colin has been in the press lately for his "repeated groin complaints". The incident (allegedly) started in an Albert Park road at about 3:30am very early Sunday. Colin Sylvia and his girlfriend of two years Elise Whichello had a public blue while both were quite pissed. This is not at all unusual and is an integral part of one of nature's greatest mysteries, the bogan lifecycle. (All bogans are conceived within 30 minutes of a dust-up. It's why they're constantly so angry.) Unfortunately, their courtship ritual was interrupted by a passing witness, described by The Age a "business consultant" (3/2/06). While the witness was understandably concerned at seeing the slight Ms Whichello on the receiving end of a kicking from professional sportsman Colin Sylvia, he must be either recklessly brave or terribly naive about such matters. I would no sooner intervene with a bickering bogan couple than take a bone from a pack of American pitbulls. Leave it to the police!

At this point, it was alleged in court, Colin Sylvia threatened to kill the witness if he "went to the police" about the matter. This echoes the use of illegal death threats by Simon Goodwin to silence witnesses to his bad behaviour. Are we seeing a rise in death threats by AFL footballers? It would be only natural, as the stakes get higher, to have dim, violent men increasingly resorting to intimidation like this.

Next, Elise Whichello indicates to police that she will be applying in court to have Colin Sylvia put on an intervention order (apprehended violence order). Not unreasonably, in my view. (After all, the Brownlows are months away and she has plenty of time to secure a guernsey.) But once in court, Ms Whichello dramatically rescinded the order. This may leave casual readers puzzled, but I assure you that the withdrawn-intervention-order is all part and parcel of bogan romance. (It serves a similar function to jewellery in mainstream courtships, along with tattoos and six-packs of Bundy.)

The upshot was that "[Magistrate Jeanette] Maughan put Colin Sylvia on a 12-month order with conditions that he not assault, harass, threaten or intimidate Ms Whichello." I don't understand why courts make these deals. He's already not meant to do those things. And why not extend the order to cover everyone, not just his missus? You'd think that magistrates - negotiating from a position of strength - would get a better outcome. You know, get the accused to agree to something in addition to just obeying the law, in relation to one person, for 12 months.

"[S]he warned him that until February next year he was not to breach the order." I would hope that he would continue to abstain from violence and death threats for well into 2007 - and beyond. Sure, it's asking a lot of an AFL player but if we don't set the bar a little higher how will they improve?

Colin's club docked him about a week's pay. And young Colin's response to this kerfuffle? "[W]hile Sylvia accepted the order, he did not admit any of the allegations". And why would he when he's on top of the world? He's an AFL rising star and answers to no one! Colin's take on it was suitably subdued: "It was just an argument between us (he and Ms Whichello) two and (the witness) got involved. That all it is ... He said something and I said something back to him and said I threatened him. That's the end of the story." Public drunkeness, assault by kicking, making threats to kill, apprehended violence orders ... pfft! Just part of the giddy thrills of bogan passion.

*** UPDATE ***
Colin Sylvia was sanctioned by the Melbourne Demons for missing his club's much-vaunted 1am curfew. He lasted about a week before staying out too late and missing a recovery session the next day.

Sylvia's lapse in commitment comes on top of his stand out performance in the International Brawl Series. The penalty for staying out past 1am is a one week suspension and a $5,000 fine - a sterner punishment than that meted out for his alleged assaults and death threats, described above. Certainly makes it clear where the club's priorities lie, don't it? But then, unlike missing training, kicking your girlfriend doesn't affect your on-field efforts - as long as you take care not to strain your leg whilst doing it.

Citations: 3/2/06

Word Count: 697

Tags: footy, court, bashing