Piss Weak: Footballers and Urine

With the recent spate of public urination by AFL footballers leaving our cities piss-soaked and and fetid, it's timely to consider the rich history of pissing in footy - and what it has to tell us about darker psychological disturbance of its practitioners.

The current bout was kicked off by Carlton's "troubled" knuckle-head, Brendan Fevola. It seems his ongoing problems with alcohol manifested itself in a late-night piss on Prahran hotspot Candy Bar. Below is the CC TV footage, care of our friends Channel 7:

Apart from the security video itself, the disturbing allegations in this clip include:

• When challenged by a bar tender, Fevola asked him what his problem is! (Dude, you're pissing in public on someone else's shop.)


• When confronted after training, he denied the incident had taken place saying he doubted it "very much". (Despite existence of said security footage.)


• When asked by the bar tender if how he'd feel if someone did it to his business, he replied that he wouldn't mind.

Coincidentally, Fevola has a stake in a restaurant, Fellini's, just a few hundred metres away at 158 Toorak Rd, in South Yarra. (Get off at South Yarra station.) While I'd be curious to see Fevola's reaction to someone pissing on or near his business, in the interests of his wife, restaurateur Alex Fevola, I'd suggest not. After all, that poor woman has suffered enough being married to this idiot, putting up with his moronic actions, violence, infidelities etc to secure funding to start the business. So for her sake, please don't urinate on his restaurant.

The response from Carlton for this transgression from one of its *snigger* "leadership group"? No suspension. A fine amounting to a week's pay. Yet another "one more chance". (What is that Fev? Five or six last chances now? I wonder if his missus has given him that many.)

Given this piss-weak piece of theatrics in lieu of a substantive deterrence, it's not surprising that another player quickly followed suit. This time, Richmond's captain Kane Johnson brought disgrace by getting his cock out in public and having a good spray. Unfortunately for him, he chose to unload on the St Kilda Rd Police Complex. Unlike Fevola, he was apprehended by the police and is now facing charges. Bizarrely, Johnson - with his solid off-field reputation - quickly sanctioned himself by imposing a one match ban on himself. The club accepted his offer (plus a $5,000 penalty).

In a reversal of the normal order of events, I reckon this shows some promise. Credit where it's due I say, and at least Johnson has taken some personal responsibility, is fronting up to the courts and his club will wear the damage for this atrocious lapse in judgement, civility and decorum through his absence this weekend. It just throws into sharp relief the dangerous and selfish stance taken by Carlton over their repeat offender Brendan Fevola.

It should hardly come as a surprise to hear that AFL footballers enjoy splashing their piss about. Remember that pest Heath Black during his 2006 Christmas blow out? He copped a charge and guilty plea for pissing out the front of Fremantle's famed Little Creatures breweries. No doubt dozens or hundreds of other footballers do it regularly and get away with it. It's easy to dismiss this as "boys will be boys" and other apologetics.

But what of the darker side of the practice? AFL footballers had a disturbing little tradition going just a couple of years ago whereby they would literally urinate on women in nightclubs or bars in order to "mark" them of being interest to them. This "marking their territory" practice was reasonably widespread and various reports of it were covered in the mainstream media. And let's not forget a certain Fraser Gehrig and his urine splashing efforts with a young lady at a bar. Nor a rookie, Simon O'Keefe, who explained how his club booked a stripper for a "tag team" encounter and then other players offered her an extra $50 to urinate on her with another $50 to defecate on her.

Why would men want to get together in a group and piss and shit on a woman? There are no nice reasonable explanations for this. Simply put, the footballer selection process, reinforced practices and resulting warped culture ensure that power, dominance and humiliation are the key currencies. In their minds, urinating (and even defecation) are tools to achieve that end. Certainly, Fevola's arrogant and threatening remarks when challenged show up the mindset. And this "marking" women with piss in bars business? Only a caveman morality could inspire that urge, yet alone grant licence to act on it.

In light of this appalling and continuing problem, here at The Speccy we've got the answer. Past experience suggests that there's one thing guaranteed to dry up an AFL footballer quick smart: drug testing. That's right, urine tests looking for traces of ecstasy, meth and cocaine cause all sorts of problems for players. (Remember that Hawthorn player who "couldn't" provide a sample last year when selected, so the lightweight testers just picked another player?) After hearing about the seven out of eight positives from the Brownlow toilets and the ease of dodging the watered-down official tests, we like the odds.

So we're introducing a piss bounty system. We'll gladly pay anyone an easy $100 for every AFL footballer urine sample that is turned up. Whether it's from a bar, nightclub, police station, your own clothes or a sex worker, we'll pay for the sample. We only have two provisos:

• You must provide provenance (ie chain of evidence of origin) for the sample to a level that will stand up in court.


• It must be presented in a form and state that allows rigorous scientific testing for illicit drugs.

We'll take any currently-listed player's piss and pay you $100. Hell, we'll even pay $200 for a sample from Hawthorn's Lance "Buddy" Franklin. If you're interested, use the comment link below to get in touch.

We reckon it will only take one or two of those liberally applied unscheduled late-night samples from AFL players ending up in the lab (and then straight to the media) to staunch the flow in public. Some guy with a test-tube loitering around might just make those dickheads think twice about ensuring their urine is discreetly and safely dispensed.

*** UPDATE ***
I dunno what he's been drinking now, but the loose talk is that Brendan Fevola is off the piss for good. And the punt. Sort of. His well-publicised problems with alcohol (and, to a lesser extent, gambling) will be tackled through counselling, according to The Herald-Sun. Apparently, he won't be drinking during the season and is sworn off the club's end-of-season binges.

Well, good luck to him, I say. While I'm highly sceptical that he'll manage to keep this up given his $500,000 salary and piss-head workmates, getting counselling and going public with his attempt are good first steps.

So, in that same spirit of support and encouragement, if you happen to catch Fev sinking a few during the season, email in your photos so we can publish them here. I'm sure he'd thank us both, eventually.

*** UPDATE ***
Right, well Brendan Fevola's dabble with temperance lasted not much more than a month. After being busted on the turps at the Casino, Fev fell off the wagon again at South Melbourne's Star Bar last weekend. The Age also reported today that he was seen chugging back on beers at the Fenech/Nelson boxing match (along with Mick Gatto, Shane Warne, Kyle Sandilands and other undesirables). Anyone reckon he was on the punt too?

Of course, he's had a good run on the field and is now telling Carlton to piss off about putting special no-scandal clauses on his rumoured $1.75M contract. Carlton allegedly retaliated by offering him an extra $100K if he doesn't generate a scandal. That sure sends a powerful signal of impotence. Looks like the Malthouse Doctrine is alive and well.

*** UPDATE ***

The Mad Monday celebrations have been and gone. And, from the look of this image, it seems that Brendan Fevola is still off the wagon:


Fevola in Nighty with Comedy Dildo Prop
Source: Herald-Sun

Must be a laugh a minute heading out with these witty japesters.

Word Count: 1069

Tags: footy, spoilt_rotten