Introducing ... The AFL Footballer Threat Level
In the interests of public safety, this blog is now implementing a warning system for risks from AFL players (see right). This move borrows from the US Department of Homeland Security's Advisory System, but is simplified to only three levels.
The idea is to provide people - especially young women - with an indication of the current expected relative risk of being near footballers while out on the town or socialising with friends. Since the frequency of incidents seems to vary throughout the annual football cycle, the risk level is to some degree predictable.
The different levels are explained here.
GREEN
Risk of bashings, rapes and other assaults from AFL footballers is lower than usual. Footballers are less likely to be encountered in popular nightspots and are less likely to be affected by drugs or alcohol. However, men and young women are still cautioned about approaching groups of footballers alone.
This condition is met during intensive training periods or when public scrutiny is exceptionally high, such as immediately following a nasty incident going public.
ORANGE
Risk of bashings, rapes and other assaults from AFL footballers is elevated relative to the general public. Footballers can be expected in popular nightspots and may be affected by drugs or alcohol. All men and young women are advised to avoid footballers without taking precautions such as having bouncers or guards present, or at least being monitored by fixed security cameras.
This is the typical level of risk associated with AFL players during their playing season.
RED
Risk of bashings, rapes and other assaults from AFL footballers is higher than usual even by player standards. Footballers are likely to be present in popular nightspots and most likely will be affected by drugs or alcohol. All men and young women are advised to avoid venues where the presence of footballers is likely and should be prepared to leave immediately any area should they arrive. Under no circumstances should you allow yourself to be alone with one.
This situation arises after teams have been knocked out of competition or when dangerous players have received suspensions or injuries that prevent them from playing. It also applies to AFL teams "on retreat" or end-of-season trips.
While careful not to mention the names of individuals, readers are invited to provide intelligence about pending activities to help reflect the true risk level.
Word Count: 404
Labels: bashing, drugs, footy, rape, speccy
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2 Comments:
Hilarious!
I suggest a "Gold Level" above red:
GOLD
You are currently being attacked by
one or more professional footballers. Try not to resist, as that will only aggravate them further. Identify and observe any details that can later be used as evidence in court.
-Taj.
By Anonymous, at 8:54 pm, February 17, 2005
Excellent suggestion, Taj.
Please be aware that there is no guarantee that footballers will be wearing their numbered team jumpers during an assault.
This may require police to identify your assailants through forensic evidence such as body fluids, knuckle imprints and bite marks.
If the proposed AFL Misconduct Tribunal gets up (so police are not involved), you will still need to identify the attackers for invoicing purposes.
By Greg, at 12:12 am, February 18, 2005
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