Interview: Kade Carey

In this Speccy special, we present an interview with the convicted footballer, Kade Carey. Carey - nephew of the notorious Wayne Carey - gives a somewhat guarded insight into the mentality of today's young footballers. While he's never played at AFL level himself, he got close and knows the scene intimately. He's also no stranger to strife, having been found guilty on violence charges stemming from the infamous Federation Square bashing incident in December 2001.

[Editor's Note: This interview was conducted in the weeks before Kade's "Bad Uncle" Wayne Carey got caught up in his most recent allegations of domestic violence, celebrity drug parties, assaults and foreign court cases came to light. As a courtesy to the Carey family, publication of this interview was delayed several weeks.]

The Speccy has been following the Fed Square brawl and trial since 2005. Kade Carey (Essendon, VFL), Dane Swan (Collingwood, AFL) and Aaron Ramsay (Williamstown, VFL) got drunk and, while at Federation Square, Carey kicked off a brawl that resulted in a number of people being hospitalised. Apparently, he threw himself on the bonnet of a passing car, breaking the windscreen. Evidence was presented at trial that he then lead the beating of a cleaner and three security guards, that he kicked a guard until police arrived, and that police had to use capsicum spray to subdue him after he threw a punch.

After several years, the three were finally found guilty at trial. Carey received a suspended sentence, a $3,000 fine and 200 hours of community work. Swan and Ramsay were also convicted, but escaped the suspended sentence and fine and had to do 100 and 120 hours respectively of community work. The judge's sentencing remarks ephasised their provocation. Naturally, we were outraged. Here was a blatant example of the worst kind of thuggish footballer behaviour going more-or-less unpunished by our legal system.

About two years after the verdict, Carey got in touch with this blog via a comment he left in January, 2008. Since this was a prime example of the kind of behaviour (and response) that we've railed against for some time, I seized the opportunity to do an interview, to take a journey into the heart of darkness. After thrashing out some ground rules, Carey agreed.

Naturally, I was concerned for my physical safety. After all, I had repeatedly and publicly described Kade Carey and his mates as thugs, dickheads, idiots etc. Other commentors had described him unflatteringly too. (For what it's worth, he had his apologists and I was abused with far worse threats and insults.) And let's not forget, he has prior convictions for violence and his Uncle Wayne to gave character evidence on behalf of (now slain) underworld hitman Jason Moran. His father, Dick Carey, is hardly the shy retiring type either.

So we agreed to an email interview, with some caveats around legalities (especially defamation). Of course, I can't be absolutely certain that my correspondent really is Kade Carey. I've satisfied myself of his bona fides and he's given me no reason to doubt his assertion. So what follows is the transcript of that interview, where Carey's responses have been lightly edited by me for spelling. The interview took place between 10th and 17th of January, 2008. Carey's response to this post is underneath.

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Interview

The Speccy: The media reported you as being a VFL player for Essendon, but not in the AFL. How did you get into footy? What's been the highlight of your career to date? Where is your career presently at and what are your plans?

Kade Carey: I started playing footy in Wagga for the North Wagga Saints when I was very young. My father coached the seniors there and with Wayne playing in the AFL it was an easy choice. I moved to Melbourne when I was 16 and started a glazing apprenticeship. I then went on to play with the Calder Cannons for two years. The second year I was lucky enough to play in a premiership, that was certainly a highlight. Unfortunately I didn't do well in the draft, and the best I could do was a [support] list spot at Essendon, which means I'm only on the VFL list. I am currently playing in the EDFL for the Doutta Stars.

The Speccy: So is it fair to say you've been brought up in the footy culture? Was there an expectation growing up that footy was your future? Is the AFL still on the cards? Oh, and did you finish your apprenticeship?

Kade Carey: Footy culture? Your interpretation of footy culture and mine, from whatI have read in your blogs, varies a fair bit. Obviously footy was a big part of my younger years, it was all around me, so yes I always played football, at school, at home, and on the weekends because I loved it. It still is a passion for me but no there was no expectation for me to make the AFL from my family or friends,only myself. It was my goal to make the AFL when I moved to Melbourne, but I started working as soon as I arrived and always intended to make a career for my self, regardless. Yes, I have completed my apprenticeship, and am still working for the same company. I think I gave up hope of playing in the AFL after my court case and all of the bad media surrounding me and my friends. I still play football because it is something that I enjoy doing.

The Speccy: The Federation Square incident was reported as kicking off when you ran onto the road and jumped on the bonnet of a passing car, driven by a young woman, breaking the windscreen. You were then apparently verbally abused by the passenger before being dobbed into the security staff at Fed Square, which is where things got violent. To my knowledge, the public has never heard any explanation or account as to why you smashed that windscreen. Can you recall what you were thinking at the time? What do you think about it now, some four years later?

Kade Carey: The incident with the car and the three young ladies, I've been replaying in my head for the last four years, and I'm still not any clearer on It. You have heard their version of events. From my recollection I just got out of a taxi at Fed square, on Flinders Street. From the video it shows that myself and Aaron Ramsay have a little wrestle and I stepped onto the road, from there the video cuts out. The next thing I remember I was on the ground. The girls said that I ran at the car and jumped into the windscreen 'body-slam style'. I doubt that very much, I would never purposely jump onto a moving car for no reason, I doubt anyone would. The girls said that they were not moving, but the security guard who was patrolling that area, told the court otherwise. Though he said he didn't see what happened, he heard the tyres of the car skidding. I remember the girls getting out of the car and start yelling at me, I told them it was not my fault, but they insisted It was. They were screaming abuse at me and I remember looking at Swany, (Dane Swan) and he didn't want any part of it for obvious reasons. So we just simply ran off because we didn't want any dramas. However looking back on it now I take full responsibility for what happened with the car.

I should not have been messing around near the road whilst under in influence of alcohol. And obviously I should have stayed and waited for the police to sort it out. The situation only got worse from that point on.

The Speccy: The Herald-Sun reported that you "initiated the fight, beating up a cleaner and three security guards with the help of his two mates." It also reported that the "court was told Carey resisted attempts to arrest him, punching a police officer in the face before being subdued by capsicum spray." The Age also reported that a witness "told police that two of the men had stopped attacking the security guards but the third had continued kicking a guard until the police arrived." I think there was one bouncer and one cleaner hospitalised. During sentencing, the judge acknowledged that you were "provoked", while Swan and Ramsay joined the fight to help defend you.

Did you dispute (substantially) this version of events in court? Did you plead guilty to the charges? What was the nature of this "provocation" the judge referred to?

Kade Carey: What happened next was, we were running along the river. Dane was way out in front of myself and Aaron. I was about 20 metres in front of Aaron and he yelled out to me to wait up for him. I stopped and walked for a bit to wait for him. When he caught up we just kept walking. All of a sudden we heard people running and yelling at us to stop. There were from memory five security guys, or bouncers, as they are known. And one other man who I was told after the incident was a cleaner. And the girls following them. At this stage Dane was about 200 metres ahead of us. I remember thinking we are so out numbered by these guys, we are going to get bashed. All the bouncers surrounded me and I felt threatened. I told them to leave us alone. It has nothing to do with them, because we were not in Fed square. I told them to piss off and get out of my way. They said they were not going to let me leave, they then all walked in towards me. (This was all on camera.) I reached out and pushed one of the bouncers. That is when they all attacked me and got me to the ground. Dane must have seen it from where he was standing, and came running back to help me. I remember covering my head up when I was on the ground. I looked up and seen Aaron tackle the bouncers off me. I got to my feet and just started fighting, anyway I knew how. I remember being hit pretty hard with something, but I was that fired up I just kept fighting. When we got the video of the fight, it turned out I had been hit in the head by a mag light. Which is a big police torch, by the cleaner. Which he admitted in court. The three of us ended up getting the better of them. Dane and Aaron started running I didn't see them leave. The police turned up and I took off. One of the officers tried to tackle me. I never punched the officer, just tried to break the tackle. That's when I was arrested.

Unfortunately for us it was a committal hearing so we didn't get to tell our story. From the witnesses evidence we were ordered to stand trial, surprise surprise. We had it on good advice that we had a very strong case. However to this point already I had spent $20,000 in legal fees, and was told that it would go close to costing us another $40,000 each. This put myself and my father under a lot of stain. So I had to plead guilty for financial reasons. It should also be noted that the chargers of assault by kicking [and] assaulting police were dropped. We all pleaded guilty to affray, and I pleaded guilty to criminal damage, for the car.

I suffered a burst eardrum and two black eyes. Aaron had a massive cut under his eye. In hindsight we should have charged them. We were told we may be charged, but we thought it would blow over because they were fighting just as hard as us. We were not charged till one year later.

The Speccy: You mentioned your Dad helping you out. Over the couple of years it took the affair to play out, what sort of support (emotional, financial or otherwise) did you get from your club, mates, employer and family?

Kade Carey: The support I got from everyone around me was awesome. My employer was fantastic, he was happy to give me the time off that I needed and actually came to court to support me. My family were great and my girlfriend's family were just as understanding. I think this was because I am very close to my friends and family and they knew that this situation was out of character and was something that should not have happened. Without my father looking after me financially I wouldn't have got through it. People think cause my last name is Carey, that I'm well off. I assure you I'm not. As you can probably tell this has not only impacted me but also the people around me and forced me to put my plans on hold. Even now I'm still paying for it.

The Speccy: You didn't mention your club. AFL players have no problems accessing lawyers, advisers and publicists when these things happen. Does this support extend to footballers on the VFL list too? If I recall correctly, you and Aaron Ramsay were playing the VFL at the time while Dane Swan was in the AFL. Do you think this off-field incident impacted on your on-field selection and advancement?

Kade Carey: Not at all for myself and Aaron. It was the off-season and had no impact on us. But we both felt for Dane he was copping it from all his peers, but he took it all in his stride and didn't let it bother him.

The Speccy: You mentioned getting "bad media" before. What sort of coverage did the incident itself get? (ie just newspapers, or radio and TV news and current affairs too?) What about the court cases? Did you do any interviews or put out any statements or otherwise try to influence what went on?

Kade Carey: The incident was reported in all the papers, on the news, and on the radio, and for obvious reasons it was all bad. No, we didn't do any statements or interviews, although I wanted too. My lawyer told me not to worry about it. So I have until I come across your blog page. Just seeing what everybody has wrote about us, without knowing what really happened makes me mad.

The Speccy: Obviously it was going to be a news story. What surprised you about the coverage? Were your friends, family or employer worried about the negative media? Did the "Carey" factor play a big role?

Kade Carey: Everybody who knows me was worried about the negative coverage. I was portrayed as a thug and that is not true. Obviously I wouldn't have even been mentioned if it wasn't for my last name. It surprised me that it did get a bit of coverage, but in saying that the media these days are just waiting or even praying for a footballer to get in trouble. I would hate to be an AFL player at the moment, the way it is now the guys have no lives.

The Speccy: The papers referred to some convictions prior to this incident, suggesting it was for violence too. Have you kept out of trouble since the suspended sentence? Is it still hanging over you? Is being out of the top-tier of footy making it easier to stay out of trouble?

Kade Carey: My prior conviction was also for assault, it was a very minor incident that happened in Wagga when I was 17. I actually didn't even throw a punch but was convicted because I was a part of an affray. Yes, I've kept out of trouble since the suspended sentence. I will never put myself in that situation again. The sentence finished in August last year, but if you ask me it will be with me for the rest of my life. Apart from this incident I've never really been in any trouble and don't plan to be, regardless of what level of football I'm playing.

The Speccy: Earlier, you said you think that the media scrutiny means AFL players "don't have a life". In light of their large (and rapidly increasing) salaries, the media work in the spotlight, being kids' role model etc, what do you think is an appropriate level of scrutiny? What "life" would footballers have without the scrutiny (ie what would they do differently)? You also indicated that you don't believe your incident would have made the papers if it wasn't for your surname. What do you think the media would have done with the story if you'd had a different surname?

Kade Carey: One thing I cannot stand is people shooting down elite sportsmen or women about there salaries. To me that just sounds like jealousy. They have worked hard and are obviously good at what they do, so good on them. I'm sure we all wish that we could do the same. A lot of the time footballers are not to blame. It's the dickheads in the bars having a go at a Chris Tarrant, just because he's Chris Tarrant and they support Carlton. Then they taunt him by saying something about his girlfriend. Put yourself in that situation. Happens every weekend. If anything was to come of it Chris would be blamed for it. Firstly by the media, then the public. AFL players can't enjoy there lives socially as well as everybody else, which is disappointing. I don't know one footballer or even heard of a footballer that goes out looking for trouble. If I had a different surname I'm sure the media would have pinned the blame on Dane.

The Speccy: Looking back on the incident and its aftermath, what advice would you give yourself, especially dealing with the ongoing legal and media situation? What surprised you about how people reacted? How would your life be different now if you hadn't jumped on that car?

Kade Carey: The advice that I would give myself would be, think before you act. That would be the main thing. I have learned a lot from this dilemma. I never said that I jumped on the car, but if it all never happened - who knows. I'd like to think that I would have purchased a home somewhere, and maybe have had another crack at making the AFL. I know one thing for sure, I wouldn't be sitting here having to explain myself to you.

The Speccy: On The Speccy, I've painted an unflattering picture of you as a dangerous violent thug. I've also criticised the legal system for being too soft on you. Both of these points feed into a bigger theme that our community tolerates off-field bad behaviour from footballers because of their on-field talents, and that we'd all be better off if they were held to a higher standard. How would you respond to the specifics of your behaviour? What about the more general pattern of people being too quick to excuse if someone is good at footy? Do you think the average AFL player is happier and better off now than in the 80s, when most players had jobs?

Finally, is there anything else you'd like to add about the incident, the aftermath or this website?

Kade Carey: The game has changed a lot since the 80s; it is extremely demanding these days. Some clubs train up to three times a day, four days a week. But there are still a lot of players that do have part time jobs. Some even find the time to run there own businesses, or do apprenticeships, to set themselves up for life after football. I don't know about being happier I'm sure the boys would love to only train a couple of times a week. What I find strange is when I [did] my community service I met some interesting people, real criminals! I met one young man who had just held up a service station with a knife. He told me it wasn't his first time. He had 50 less hours than I had and no fine or suspended sentence. Work that one out? I asked around and found out everyone's stories, what they had done in there past, and why they were doing community service. Most of them were drug dealers 2nd, 3rd, and 4th time offenders. Most of them had less hours than me. I told them what I was sentenced to and they all laughed and said that I got punished hard. None of them knew my last name. Everybody should be held to the same standard, regardless of who they are or what they do.

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Analysis

What surprised me most about the interview was the absence of open hostility towards me, this publication or even the articles I wrote. I'm sure Carey's not happy about it and there's more than a few digs in that direction, but credit where it's due: no threats and insults and a measured - even reflective - tone throughout. (That said, I've left instructions with my solicitor should I suddenly disappear one day soon.)

I was also interested in the financial impact and what that meant for his work and family. In this, I expect Carey's case differs from most the high-profile court appearances we cover here. Thirty grand in legal fees is a lot for a glazier, but a mere piffle for a professional footballer earning on average $250K a year.

However, it seems to me that Carey is downplaying the impact of his actions on his victims. Sentences like "I got to my feet and just started fighting, anyway I knew how." (translation: "I kicked people in the head while they were on the ground") and "The three of us ended up getting the better of them" (translation: "We bashed people so hard they ended up in hospital") betray a certain lack of empathy. And Carey's assertion that the only reason it made the papers is his surname also shows a lack of understanding about how the community views violent brawls in public spaces. His experiences while on community service also show up some warped values. Dealing drugs versus going on a rampage that hospitalises people with "serious injuries, including eye socket, nose and wrist fractures"? Come on. Let's get some perspective.

I find the notion of someone defending AFL in-pub thuggishness by bringing up the example of Chris Tarrant perplexing. I mean, this guy is a pin-up boy for AFL thugs! Whether he's playing for Collingwood (involved in vicious car park assault) or Fremantle (obnoxious arse-baring followed by head-punching), the man is clearly out-of-control and a problem for what remains of the game's reputation. Even hardened AFL apologists are embarrassed by him. Why anyone would bring up his example just seems nuts to me.

Lastly, Carey's views on AFL players with their part-time jobs, apprenticeships, businesses and higher education just seems to be two decades out of date. These days, it's sponsorship deals, "Playstation Syndrome", hanging out at the salon and wasted educational opportunities. The reality is that AFL players are getting treated better than ever with skyrocketing incomes and celebrity hero-worship to boot. Sure, a lot of footballers would love to keep the money and drop the scrutiny, especially if it means getting away with taking more drugs more often. But that ain't gonna happen.

Perhaps the best thing that can be said about this whole fiasco is that Carey has paid a price for his "moment of madness" and subsequent violence. Is it just? I don't know, but I'm sure he's had plenty of chances to ponder his actions as a result of the court case. Let's hope that his tale serves as an effective warning to others following on the same path.

Carey's Reply

As part of the interview process, The Speccy offered Carey the right of reply to this article. He initially accepted this but, for reasons best known to himself, has chosen not to follow through. Perhaps it's related to a Carey family media blackout, arising from Uncle Wayne's ongoing personal, legal and publicity problems. However, like everyone else, he is welcome to comment.

*** UPDATE ***
Another chapter has closed on this long-running saga, with one of the victim's of the three footballers settling with them in his civil suit:

Former cleaner Claudio Celano had sought at least $200,000 in damages from [Magpie Dane] Swan, Kade Carey and Aaron Ramsay after he was injured in a fight at Federation Square in December 2003.

The parties agreed to a settlement yesterday in the County Court, removing the need for a retrial. The terms of the settlement were kept confidential. (The Age, 2/9/2009)

From the above interview, I doubt Celano would have gotten much from Kade Carey. Dane Swan, on the other hand, must be worth a few bob ...

Word Count: 4123

Tags: footy, bashing, booze, court, culture

A Few Roos Loose In Top Paddock

As morale at the club plummets, a mob of Kangaroos has taken to hitting the bottle to numb the pain of their move to the Gold Coast. The resulting bad behaviour was severe enough to warrant police using capsicum spray to subdue them. (Which has to be a first for a Lionel Richie winery gig.) Like spiteful bad tenants, it seems the Kangaroos plan to leave Melbourne strewn with empties, thoroughly trashed, blood-spattered and covered in vomit.

The action kicked-off late on Saturday night, when Matthew Campbell was charged with resisting arrest and being drunk in a public place at about 1.30am. Details are still sketchy about where and why, but we'll keep you posted as they come to hand.

The second incident took place at a relaxed, fun concert "for grown-ups" at a winery just out of town. A chilled crowd grooves on the lawns to the soulful stylings of head-line act Lionel Richie. Until that mob of bloody roos shows up, frothing and kicking!

Aaron Edwards, Shannon Grant and Hamish McIntosh clashed with security after a night of drinking at a Lionel Richie concert at a Victorian winery on Saturday night.

Edwards was ejected by police from the A Day On The Green gig at Scotchmans Hill winery at Drysdale, near Geelong, on Saturday night.

Premiership player Grant intervened to try to stop police taking his teammate away, with police reportedly using capsicum spray to deter him. (Fox Sports, 3/12/2007)

Remember back in March? Aaron Edwards was caught on tape with convicted drug dealer, Shane Water, as part of the Daniel Kerr "Special K" scandal. Maybe he should put an order in for panadol instead, because the hang-over must be a killer.

Other reports gave more detail into what lead up to the outbreak of ugliness:

Witnesses said Edwards was staggering and falling over.

One onlooker told the Herald Sun the 23-year-old was skulling from bottles of white wine before he collapsed among the crowd of more than 10,000 at Scotchmans Hill winery.

"Edwards was just lying on the ground. They couldn't get him off the ground he was that far gone," one man said.

"McIntosh was trying to get him up. He was probably the most sober one out of the three of them. They were terrible. Grant was falling over everywhere as well."

Trouble started when police, alerted to Edwards' state, went to investigate.
Kangaroos football manager Donald McDonald said Grant thought Edwards was going to be arrested and tried to defuse the situation.

"Shannon said, 'No, don't worry, he's with us, he'll be all right', and then Shannon said the police capsicum-sprayed them and led Aaron away," Mr McDonald said.

"They escorted him around the back to the winery and let him and his girlfriend go. No charges were laid.

"Then the police came back and put water in Shannon's eyes, and the other party members, and off they went.

"Shannon had his whole family there. Even the dad got sprayed."

Several witnesses took photos as the incident erupted. (PerthNow, 3/12/2007)

Great to see such thorough citizen journalism when it comes to AFL footballers. Yet another witness came forwards - insisting on anonymity - to recount her harrowing story to The Age:

"I was working at ... a A Day On The Green, and saw Aaron Edwards being dragged out by police in a T-shirt and his red jocks," the woman said.

"His shorts had fallen off while police were trying to restrain him. His girlfriend grabbed his shorts and was screaming at him to get up off the ground.

"My mates and I were sitting on the grass and he was right in front of us while it all happened."

The woman said Edwards' teammates asked police not to eject him from the venue in front of concertgoers.

"He had to be hand cuffed, and his fellow footballer mates were begging the police not to take him through the crowd of people, but they did."

The woman said she spotted Edwards again outside the venue.

"I then saw them once they had been escorted out, and Aaron Edwards was rolling down the hill still in his underwear in the car park." (The Age, 3/12/2007)

It's a terrible spectacle, that of a grown man, drunk off his gourd, eyes streaming with tears, shorts down, pathetically scrabbling to pull them up while pleading with police to allow him to preserve what remained of his dignity by not cuffing his hands. Watching him and his friends beg to be spared the humiliation that comes with parading him through a crowd of tormentors in such condition must be sickening.

So it's a bit bloody cheeky for Kangaroos' general manager of football operations Donald McDonald to claim, by way of apology, that "Thankfully no member of the public was directly affected by either of these incidents."

I'd say that bearing witness to terrible drunken behaviour, clashes with security guards, police confrontation, capsicum spray and ritual humiliation is pretty distressing when you're trying to enjoy a Lionel Richie concert.

The only slight relief came when Edwards, on being given his phone call, was overhead to say "I just called, to say ... Mum, can you post bail?".

Sadly, I don't think this is the last we'll see of drunken violence and other bad behaviour from the Kangaroos. With their club all but gone from Melbourne, they'll lash out vengefully at the city who so cruelly rebuffed them. After two years of booze-fuelled agro, the Kangaroos be a perfect cultural fit for the Gold Coast as Toolie Ambassadors.

*** UPDATE ***
Sadly, it seems the Kangaroos are planning to stick it out as North Melbourne for the time being after turning down a stupendously generous deal to move to Carrara on the Gold Coast. While the AFL executive - particularly Andy Demetriou - seems to think they'll last about six months without the $100M they offered, the AFL is pressing ahead with plans for a 17th club on the Gold Coast anyway.

In terms of citizen safety, this is a worst case scenario: angry, sullen North Melbourne players roaming the streets looking for any excuse to lash out before their demise plus a whole new batch of 40-odd AFL players emerging in the Gold Coast. If the West Coast Eagles have taught us anything, it's that these isolated, artificial clubs can quickly revert, Lord of the Flies-style, into dangerous nests of immorality, vice and sleaze.

Heaven help us.

*** UPDATE ***
The Kangaroos have suspended Shannon Grant for a match for "breaking club rules" at a golf day.

No details as yet as to the nature of his offence, nor whether or not he copped another burst of capsicum spray this time. Stay tuned.

Citations: Fox Sports, 3/12/2007; PerthNow, 3/12/2007; The Age, 3/12/2007

Word Count: 955

Tags: footy, booze, culture

One Day In Septopia

After months of nervous anticipation, the last Saturday in September (re-badged by AFL publicists as "Septopia", a contraction of "septic" and "myopia") finally saw a resolution of the big question: who was going to win the much-coveted Douglas Wilkie Medal in 2007?

The Medal is named after the long-serving journalist, foreign correspondent and columnist and is awarded by the Anti-Football League to "those who do the least for Australian rules football, in the best and fairest manner".

The Anti-Football League was formed by journalist Keith Dunstan in 1967 and revived by his grandson Jack Dunstan in 2007. From their website:

The Anti-Football League (AFL) is an Australian organisation of individuals who are indifferent to the excessive fervour that afflicts supporters of the Australian code of football known as Australian Rules Football (”Aussie Rules”).

The AFL stands apart from the Football mania that is ever increasingly saturating our workplaces, media outlets and public spaces, and which at certain times of the year reaches excessive and epidemic proportions. (AFL Website, 30/9/2007)

This year, the Medal was awarded to Dr Barry Jones, Renaissance Man and public intellectual, for admitting to reading books while attending footy matches. The runners-up this year were political football David Hicks, chemical enthusiast Ben Cousins, film critic David Stratton, Canberra journo Emma Macdonald and me (for this blog).

Congratulations to Dr Jones for joining the illustrious ranks of recipients, including Peter Russell-Clarke, Terry Lane, Wendy Harmer and Barry Humphries.

I would also like to thank the Anti-Football League for the honourable mention and wish a hearty well done to my fellow runners-up.

Lastly, my special thanks to Geelong's David Johnson, whose drunken antics on Thursday over-shadowed the Cats' Grand Final win on Saturday. (While he's not presently on the seniors list, he represented Geelong at the VFL Grand Final the weekend before and has played 12 AFL games earlier in the season.)

Police say they had to use capsicum spray to subdue 25-year-old David Johnson after he attempted to run away from police in Moorabool Street just after 4:00am.

Johnson has been taken to the Geelong police station for questioning over the assault of two men and a woman outside a nightclub.

Earlier in the night he was thrown out of a nightclub and given a lift home by police. (ABC, 28/9/2007)

Cat In Sore Need of Trip to Vet
Source: Geelong Advertiser.

After getting his special police taxi service - a role the police have happily undertaken in the past for AFL players - he was warned not to return to the nightclub district. Generous? Lenient? Inviting trouble? Geelong's police have a reputation for using kid gloves on their favoured sons when they engage in this kind of thing.

Underscoring why a blog such as this is necessary, the AFL CEO Andrew Demetriou downplayed the severity of the alleged criminality by dismissing it as "silly". He's facing allegations of multiple drunken assaults - including against a woman - and charges like resisting arrest (requiring the use of capsicum spray and batons) and we're told it's just "silly"? Yep, that's the AFL for you.

Citations: AFL Website, 30/9/2007; ABC, 28/9/2007

Word Count: 541

Tags: footy, bashing,, booze,, culture

Footy Chicks - The Movie

I finally got around to watching the documentary Footy Chicks, which lifts the lid on the sexual gamesmanship between professional footballers and their groupies.

Women love watching football. But some footy chicks have more on their mind than just the game. Off the field their goal is to get up close and personal with the players. The possibility of sex with a football player is a fantasy for many women and a reality for some. Footy Chicks explores the scene off the footy field - a colourful world of players and the women who pursue them.

I found this a profoundly disconcerting yet unsatisfying film, telling some of the stories of a few different footy chicks without really putting it into a wider social or psychological context. In particular, there was no contrast with sexual gamesmanship outside of the football world: What makes this warrant a documentary? Nor was there any examination of the interaction between these two worlds: How does the footballer/groupie scene influence wider society? Still, I guess it's not a scholarly undertaking but an entertaining attempt to give outsiders a view into what goes on and (to a degree) the rationalisation of the men and women involved.


Some of the women from Footy Chicks
Source: SBS

It's worth noting that the film is almost entirely devoted to rugby in its various forms (League and Union). I'd guess AFL-specific content at less than 10%. That said, I'm sure the rugby and Aussie Rules worlds are not so dissimilar that the scenarios aren't comparable.

Initially, the bravado of the women getting ready for a night of hunting down footballers was compelling and engaging. But then it sort of turned sour when we saw where it could - and often does - end up with the stories of group sex, attempted and actual rapes, demeaning and dehumanising behaviour, team bonding and sexual conquest. While some stories recounted suggest empowered and sexually confident women, others paint a picture of debasement, exploitation and self-subjugation that I found staggering. Honestly, can you still be enjoying yourself when having sex with the eleventh man? Or does being a vessel through which the team bonds carry its own special satisfaction? These are questions beyond my ken.

Interestingly, this link between group sex (in all its forms: simultaneously, sequentially and in parallel) and team-bonding was drawn out in some analytic detail. While the Footy Chicks shared some anecdotes, it wasn't clear how they saw it and their role in it. That said, one woman relayed that her girlfriend during one session was upset at being "the pig on a spit". Other women recognise that they're "just pussies" to the men, who don't care at all what they look like yet alone who they are. I'm not sure if this awareness is a good thing or not.

Suprisingly for me, the worst stereotypes are confirmed. The women involved in the active (in many cases exclusive) pursuit of players are young and fairly attractive, but we won't be seeing them on the cover of Ralph or Zoo. Pointedly, the one cheerleader interviewed (who could be in those publications) was wary of footballers as partners on the grounds that they're stuck up and prone to cheating. The Footy Chicks are primarily motivated by the physicality of the footballers, in particular their height. And their social status and, well, achievability.

Certainly, sex is the big driver. One woman had a collection of photos of naked players on her phone as trophies. She also pointed out the footballers she'd had "Ronnie" (her slang for sex) with and rated their competence. Yet in fantasising about players, this same Footy Chick talks about having her hair noticed, being picked up, getting married and making baby footballers. This somewhat infantile remark seemed at odds with the rest of her actions and attitudes. Is that deep down what she really wants or even expects? More realistic motivations (ascribed to others) are limited to bragging rights amongst other groupies and "tickets to the Brownlows". While some of the women some talked of being "elevated" to the realm of girlfriends or even wives, comments from the men indicated that in their minds there is a clear distinction between "girlfriend material" and, well, the others.

This tension - get noticed, get known, but don't get labelled a slut - wasn't really teased out, but would have made for some interesting analysis. In particular, interviews with women who "made it" as players' girlfriends and wives asking how they dealt with that tension and the widespread infidelity would have added emotional depth to the film. Is there a bargain? How is struck? How is it monitored and enforced? Perhaps these are topics for a follow-up documentary.

If you're at all interested in the sexual politics of Australian footy, this is a must-see doco. It's not for the squeamish and, while it didn't drive to the misanthropic despair it seemed to inflict on Speccy regular Ben Wallace, the ugliness and baseness with which people can treat each other certainly left a nasty taste in my mouth.

Trailer on Fairfax

Web Chat on SBS

*** UPDATE ***
Please be advised that this disturbing documentary is re-screening on SBS this Friday, 1st of June, at 10pm. Anyone with a strong stomach and an interest in footballer behaviour should check out this insiders' account of sexploitation and predation.

Word Count: 929

Tags: footy, rape, culture, sleaze

AFL's Influence on Australian Culture

One of the central messages on this blog is that footy is "the engine-room for the boganisation of Australia". In the northern states, rugby powers the underlying ugliness that leads to, for example, the Cronulla race riots of last summer. For the southern and western states, it's the attitudes and behaviours in the AFL that trickle down and wreak havoc on society. Today, we look at one case in point: an anti-Semitic attack by a regional Aussie Rules football team.

On Saturday, 14th of October, a busload of about 20 amateur footballers from the Ocean Grove Football Club left for a day of drinking at the Caulfield Races. At around 6:30pm, they were driving through Balaclava (part Melbourne's Jewish area[1]). They spotted a 33 year-old Jewish man, Menachem Vorchheimer. What followed is pure disgrace:

Mr Vorchheimer said the men yelled "F--- off Jews" and "Go the Nazis" before motioning as if they were shooting a machine gun at him and his children.

...

When the bus stopped at a red light, Mr Vorchheimer went to the driver's door.

"I wanted to find out where they were from so that . . . I could make approaches to that organisation," he said.

But the bus driver appeared to ignore him and took off when the light turned green.

As the bus drove past, two men reached out the back window, grabbed Mr Vorchheimer's [Shabbat] hat and skull cap [yarmulke] and hurled more abuse. [NB: traditionally, Jewish men were the small skull cap at all times, and the broad-brimmed Shabbat hat over the top during the Sabbath.]

...

Mr Vorchheimer said the men threw one of his hats out the bus window but when he asked for the other hat he was attacked.

"I was pulled toward the open window and then punched by a right hand into my left eye by a passenger on the bus. I fell back and was in enormous pain."

Mr Vorchheimer said he felt blood running down his face as the men threw his other hat out the window.

"Meanwhile my kids are on the sidewalk crying and screaming," he said. (The Herald-Sun, 17/10/2006)

Menachem Vorchheimer Shows Off Handiwork of Ocean Grove Football Thugs
Source: Herald-Sun


While police are still investigating the matter to examine individual charges, we can condemn the cowardly, insensitive and hate-filled actions of the entire football club. To compound matters, the reaction of the club officials is staggering:

[The president of the Ocean Grove Football Club, Michael] Vines says he is disappointed players were allegedly involved in the racial and physical abuse of the man.

"The last thing we want is our footy club blasted all over the front page of a newspaper and getting this type of publicity - like any sporting club we expect our players to behave in a responsible fashion," he said. (ABC News, 17/10/2006)

This isn't about "behaving responsibly" and avoiding bad press, it's about obeying the bloody law! This wasn't they boys getting drunk and throwing up - this was a hate-crime, involving cruel taunts, assault, theft and public humiliation. But it gets worse:

"If that did in fact occur, on behalf of the club I would apologise to him most sincerely," [Club President Michael Vines] said on Southern Cross Radio today.

Club coach Matthew Sproule said Mr Vorchheimer's hats were removed "accidentally" in a tussle through the bus window.

"The driver ... did not know the person at the back had the hat. We realised the person was chasing us down the street for his hat. We pulled over and we put the hat to the side, then we got run off the road by another person who wouldn't let us move after his hat was returned," he said on Southern Cross Radio.

"We don't know (who threw the punch) with all the commotion that was going on at the time.

"At the time the man in question asked for an apology and we gave an apology to him and he said, `No, it's 10 seconds too late. I'm calling the police.'" (The Herald-Sun, 17/10/2006)

Player/coach Matthew Sproule - who should have been in a leadership position on this - was involved with the pushing and shoving and failed to rein in the troops. He's now attempting to "blur out" any culpability of his club (accident my arse) and paint his victim as a "deal-breaker" who called the police despite some sort of "deal" over the apology. Combine this with the half-arsed conditional/tentative apology by the club president and it's clear there is a crisis of leadership in Ocean Grove.

The only positive from this whole sorry saga was that normal citizens surrounded the bus to stop it fleeing the crime scene and up to 50 witnesses stepped forward to provide statements to investigating police. Note that these upstanding people were not footballers.

It must be asked - what were those dickheads thinking? I grew up in Victoria's Southwest, on the Surf Coast, and I'm guessing that for many of those young men it was their first time in the Big Smoke. No doubt their mindset in setting out on the trip was to a) drink at least as much as everyone else at the, races; and b) show the uppity city-folk that they weren't overwhelmed or cowed by the tall buildings, traffic and crowds. Couple fear of the unknown with "small fish in big pond" syndrome and that bus of drunken knobs was a ticking time-bomb. For many of them, I'm betting Mr Vorchheimer was the first Jewish man in traditional garb they'd ever seen. They reacted like they would to any outsiders - with hate and violence. (Hence the gene pool in Ocean Grove must be getting a little murky, if you know what I mean.)

I'm not going to say that this happened because of AFL footballers. Dumb-shit yokels have been coming to the city, getting drunk and attacking Jews for hundreds of years. Anti-semitism is widespread among uneducated, monocultural morons who have been in-breeding for so long that they react with horror and moral panic to anyone who's not their cousin.

Yet it remains true that most of those 20-odd young men on the bus look up to and idolise AFL players. Can it be pure coincidence that this attack happened in the same month as five AFL players are facing court for drunken arrogance and violence (Heath Scotland, Chad Morrison, Brodie Holland, Alan Didak and Ben Johnson)? No, the AFL clubs tacitly condone illegal behaviour of their players by failing to sanction them in any meaningful way. This policy of "tolerance for talent" leaches out through the VFL and down into amateur leagues. From there, it spreads far and wide in the national consciousness, given the prevalence and high regard for footy.

Here's an example of how the hateful, violent mindset of the professional leagues is effectively exported to the amateurs:

"A former VFL [ie professional] footballer has been jailed for assaulting an opposition player during a match.

Former Broadford senior coach Paul Lawrence Tilley, 42, was jailed for six months in the Bendigo County Court yesterday after being found guilty by a jury of intentionally causing serious injury to a North Bendigo [ie amateur] player two years ago.

Tilley played 15 VFL games for Fitzroy and St Kilda in the 1980s.

Judge Roy Punshon sentenced Tilley, of Wallan, to a maximum of 18 months, but suspended a year of the term. (The Age, 17/10/2006).

AFL officials' reluctance to stamp out these attitudes stems from a desire to make money. A ban on law-breaking players means lower ticket sales and reduced TV audiences. This is why they could do more, but refuse. I'm not alone in the assessment that the AFL lies at the root of this problem but is reluctant to take it on:

Caulfield MP Helen Shardey condemned the attack. She said the AFL needed to do more to educate footballers at all levels about behaviour. (The Herald-Sun, 17/10/2006)

The prospect of sane, reasonable and violence-free footballers is unattainable. But we should not give up trying to reduce the frequency and severity of outbreaks. To achieve this, we must understand where the hate - in this case, ignorant anti-semitism - is coming from, how it permeates society and why it's allowed to exist.

*** UPDATE ***
There have been more developments in this story which, quite rightly, refuses to go away. Firstly, it has become apparent that a serving police officer was involved. An (as yet unnamed) off-duty police officer was the driver of the bus who refused to provide Mr Vorchheimer with details of the group. He has become the subject of another police investigation, this time by internal affairs.

Secondly, two miscreants have come forward and admitted to participating in the assault. The third man, who struck Mr Vorchheimer in the face, has still not come forwards, although the club assures the public they've narrowed it down to "six possible suspects".

Thirdly, the planned field trip to the Holocaust Museum and Research Center was postponed due to concern it could interfere with the police investigation. There's no word yet on when this educational experience will continue.

Finally, radio entertainer Neil Mitchell has waded into the issue with an opinion piece in the local Murdoch tabloid. Mitchell makes all the right noises, but twists and turns like a worm on the hook to avoid sheeting home full responsibility to that group of drunken young men. Here's some of his moral gymnastics:

There is something about the mix of competitiveness, tribal team bonding and the booze, that regularly turns even sensible young men into yobbos.

...

[P]resumably they had not restricted themselves to the occasional dry sherry. This was a football trip, after all.

(And that raises another key point, nothing to do with racism. If somebody, somewhere had served fewer drinks, again this could have been avoided.)

...

The incident that left [Mr Vorchheimer] with a dangerous eye injury and blood pouring from his head could have been avoided if he had not made the decision to confront the ugliness.

...

[T]here seems little doubt that Mr Vorchheimer's objections escalated the clash from ugly to violent.

...

If a passing motorist had not intervened to block the bus, it would probably have headed back to Ocean Grove, carrying the hats and impending hangovers.

Mr Vorchheimer would have been left with a horrible story to tell but no injuries.

But what that motorist did, along with several others who helped, was a statement for decency because these people identified as unacceptable the actions of a few idiots. (Herald-Sun, 19/10/2006)

Mitchell goes on to praise the football club president, points out how it's brought Muslims and Jews together and provided an opportunity to showcase mainstream Aussies' values and intrinsic decency.

In my view, he sails very close to the wind on playing up to the prejudiced. While he is extensively critical of the young men on the bus, he casts this as inevitable and normal behaviour. It's not. He's also very keen to highlight the responsibilities of others in this - from those serving the drinks to Mr Vorchheimer requesting his hats back. From all accounts, Mr Vorchheimer's actions are reasonable and legal. Notice how Neil Mitchell plays up the bystanders' intervention as "a statement for decency", yet Mr Vorchheimer's was not. There's no praise for him, just the insinuation that it could have all been avoided if he just copped the abuse as an inevitable (though undesirable) part of life.

In Mitchell's final analysis, Australians have no need for introspection or analysis as to why this happened. And the AFL certainly bears no responsibility for promoting a culture of hate and intolerance. No, it's just part of life and something to be expected. Well, Neil, I call bullshit. These ugly attacks are not to be tolerated or accepted. We must understand why they happen and get at them root and branch.

*** UPDATE ***
The last pair of miscreants in the Ocean Grove Jewish race-hate case have had their day in court. In a surprising move by a Victorian judicial figure, one was even convicted:

Magistrate Julian Fitz-Gerald in the Melbourne Magistrates' Court fined Grubbers captain and best and fairest winner James Dalton $1000 but did not convict him of behaving in an offensive manner.

Mr Dalton's teammate Matthew Cuthbert was fined $750 and convicted for using insulting words, which Mr Fitz-Gerald described as appalling, offensive and racist.

...

Mr Fitz-Gerald said Dalton and Cuthbert's behaviour was "criminal, hurtful, insensitive, ignorant, at its base racist and anti-semitic [and] is to be condemned and I do so". (Geelong Advertiser, 15/11/2007)

To understand these horrific and appalling actions by drunken young men, we need to understand football culture. A culture based on exclusion, derision and mindlessness. These yokels are just re-enacting what they see from their superstar AFL heroes. Worse still, the small-town amateur club is adopting the denialist and hostile approach more befitting of a professional club:

President Michael Vines hit back at claims made in the Melbourne Magistrates' Court that the club's efforts in the wake of the abuse had been sparse.

...

Mr Vines said Mr Vorchheimer's children had recently launched a civil claim against the Ocean Grove Football Club.

Mr Vorchheimer's wife took the action in the Equal Opportunity Commission on her children's behalf, after they saw the incident.

...

But Mr Vines said the club did not accept any legal liability to Mr Vorchheimer or his family because the incident occurred in the off-season and the bus trip was not a club-organised event. (Geelong Advertiser, 16/11/2007)

Yeah, way to go, big guy. The end-of-season bus trip to the Caulfield Races wasn't organised by he club so it can shirk responsibility? Even Eddie McGuire would be proud of that one.

---

[1] Known within the community as "The Ghetto". This is both technically accurate (the Jewish quarter of a European city is historically referred to as a ghetto) and ironic (the modern meaning of the word is associated with slums and urban decay, yet these suburbs are extremely genteel and expensive).

Citations: The Herald-Sun, 17/10/2006; ABC News, 17/10/2006; The Herald-Sun, 17/10/2006; The Herald-Sun, 17/10/2006; Herald-Sun, 19/10/2006; Geelong Advertiser, 15/11/2007; Geelong Advertiser, 16/11/2007

Word Count: 2450

Tags: footy, culture, bashing, court

Gay Fan Site Cops Footballer Hate

The omnipresent AFL shop steward, Brendan Gale, has instructed his winged monkeys to send a nastygram to a footy fan site, ordering them to shut down their gallery. What sort of a business turns on its customers like that? Only one staffed by a bunch of arrogant, hate-filled and moronic spoilt brats.

The AFL Players' Association head Brendan Gale has been harassing the fan site Gay Footy since April, regarding its use of photographs of AFL players in undress or near-undress.

Bizarrely, Gale defended the gallery:

"The site is quite an informative site actually, with chat and a various array of features," Mr Gale told ABC radio today.

"One of the features is a gay footy picture gallery, and there were hundreds of footballers in various states, a lot of typical training shots, some with tops off.

"These are images that have probably already been on the public record and in no way were they offensive or inappropriate." (SMH, 29/6/2006)

Then what's the problem, Brendan? Rather than just "coming out" and saying what they really think, they dug up a legal-eagle prepared to bat for their team:

[L]egal services consultant Bernie Shinners said the photos were "of significant concern" to players. "Photographs that show a player in a socially embarrassing position such as in the showers and in various states of undress are defamatory . . ." he said. (The Age, 28/6/2006)

What a load of tosh. Even corporate law firm Minter Ellison (who make buckets of cash out of running defamation cases - hello if you're reading!) poo-pooed the notion:

Minter Ellison lawyer Cindy Christian said Australian courts did not recognise a right to privacy, and the issue of players being defamed by the website was "very questionable". (Ibid.)

The website in question made it clear that the fansite wasn't implying the featured players were gay with a disclaimer stating "Inclusion in this site does not imply sexual preference."

The AFL Players' Association has been at pains to state it's nothing to do with being a gay website at all; no, it's just players' privacy they're trying to protect. Brendan even went out on a limb stating that:

The association would have "absolutely" taken the same action against a straight-themed website, he said. (Ibid.)

Really? So I suppose fansites were women post pictures of semi-nude footballers and go "wow, he's hot", "yeah, I'd love to lick his abs" etc would get sent threatening legal letters too? Sites like this one and this one. Sites were the participants have names like Kim and Lisa and Lizzy and Emily and Jessy. The existence of such female-oriented sites demonstrably invalidates Brendan's claim of being even-handed.

Here's what I reckon is actually going on.

Step 1. Slightly dim footballers turn up to commercial photo shoots and allow candid shots to promote themselves as sex objects. Presumably, turning on the chicks with a few beefcake shots will help their post-footy career, earn them money somehow ... or have more, err, immediate benefits.

Case in point: The Candyman Brodie Holland, famed for being a multimedia-tart with oiled-up, pouting specials like this:


Broad Appeal: Brodie Holland Flaunts His Money-Maker
Source: www.mostbeautifulman.com


Step 2. Said footballers stumble onto the internet (or, more likely, a clueful friend points it out to them) and they realise that it's not just women "enjoying themselves" with these images. Uh oh!

Step 3. Gay panic sets in. They feel under threat and worry that their more blokey mates - already suspicious of their facials, group bondings and the extensive grooming of your modern metrosexual - might deem them actively homosexual unless they stridently act to remove the images.

Step 4. They get their union to "do something". Lawyers are brought in, nasty legal threats made. Double-standard results (since the footballers are quite happy for women to ogle the photos). Publicity machine kicks in to minimise damage. Largely docile and gay-hostile footballing-public secretly (or publicly) agree with hypocrisy, making PR flaks' job very easy.

To add fuel to the fire, the legal geniuses at the AFL Players' Association also asked for a photograph of a fully-clothed Western Bulldogs player holding his daughter on the field to be taken down.


Is this really gay porn?
Source:Western Bulldogs gallery

What are they saying? That gay people seeking photos of big hunky young men are necessarily also pedophiles who will derive sexual enjoyment from seeing clothed little girls? There's some very sinister reasoning going on here.

It's no secret that the AFL is a deeply-homophobic environment, where bigotry and infantile attitudes are ingrained. There are currently over 500 professional footballers. Many thousands have gone through its ranks in the past few decades. None have discussed their homosexuality. Of course, it could be that there weren't any. Or - much more plausible - the ones that are there have been frightened or pressured into staying silent.

How will the league move forward when blatant gay-hating double-standards like this go unchallenged? Where is the outrage and condemnation? The players need to get wise and accept that their appeal spans all flavours of human sexuality, or they should stop shamelessly promoting it to make a buck.

You can't have your (beef)cake and eat it, boys. Just grow up and get over yourselves.

Citations: SMH, 29/6/2006; The Age, 28/6/2006; or publicly

Word Count: 907

Tags: footy, spoilt_rotten, culture

Footy Chief Takes a Shot at Soccer Fans

The AFL's top man - CEO Andrew Demetriou - has spoken out against the unruly behaviour of some soccer fans after last week's friendly match between Australia and Greece at the MCG. In Andy's eyes, it's just not on.

"I'm always proud of the way AFL supporters leave the ground after games, particularly the MCG ... we don't have flares," he said.

"Even when I drove out (from the MCG) last night there were people crossing the road and getting in front of cars and I'm not sure why that happens.

"It's very unfortunate and it shouldn't happen really, and it almost casts a bit of a slight on the game (soccer) because otherwise it was a great atmosphere." (The Age, 26/5/2006)

I guess Andrew won't be getting invited to any more spit roasts and souvlaki nights with Melbourne's Greek community - and he's probably going to need security on visits to Lonsdale St or Swan St. But I say good on him for speaking up. Those soccer hooligans should take a page out of the AFL manual and leave the biffo and criminal behaviour to the professionals: the actual players.

That's right, if there's going to be any gang bashing in Federation Square, then the assailants should be at least VFL level players. That way, you'll end up with cleaning staff and bouncers in hospital with smashed-in cheek bones. And the police will have to use capsicum spray to haul them off while they kick unconscious people in the head! Not like those wishy-washy soccer thugs who dispersed after a mere gentle word. Poor souls.

And where are the drug-fuelled rape frenzies from the soccer fans? Bah. Amateurs. No, professional AFL players - "investigated" by their mates in the sex crimes squad - would play them on a break. Yes, indeed. Did any of those nancy-boys amongst the soccer fans manage to slip a mickey into anyone's drink to get a root? No, too busy lighting flares. They must be gay or something!

I'm sure Andrew Demetriou will cop flak for stating the obvious. But honestly, where were the threats to kill passers-by, journalists and relatives? Could those soccer fans even manage to get into a dust-up over a taxi?

What a piss-weak performance. Melbourne's soccer fans should be so disgraced they abstain from causing any trouble and hope their on-field heroes can show up the AFL players when it comes to off-field trouble. After all, with a huge crowd in excess of 95,000 (bettering the past five AFL grand finals), this match showed just how big the appetite is for soccer matches. But the boys are going to have to follow Andy's advice, put away the flares and hope that their beloved prima donna soccer stars can match the AFL when it comes to drugs, bashing and rapes.

Citations: The Age, 26/5/2006

Word Count: 484

Tags: footy, culture, bashing, booze

Hard Work Pays Off at Brownlow

This week we saw the culmination of years of hard work and sacrifice at the Brownlow Medal count. So, congratulations to the hundreds of young ladies who made it to the AFL's night of nights.

The Brownlow Medal Count, as a televisual spectacle, is perhaps akin to the Eurovision Song Competition - but without the singing and dancing. That is, an auditorium is booked and several hours ensues of grey men reading out votes. To add a little colour, the footballers' wives (and girlfriend and dates) frock up.

This famous image of alpha-female Tania Buckley baring her flesh and g-string shows the origins of the Medal's name (ie fake tan and low-cut):

Who could have imagined a diamante encrusted g-string would lend a touch of glamour and class to the occasion? When you say it, it just sounds stupid. But when you see it ... Naturally, given the shit she copped, Mrs Buckley toned things down for subsequent appearances. Happily, while the artiste moved into the use of oils, she stayed within the confines of the theme ("brown" and "low"):



In any case, reams of Brownlow photos have been published in the press. I don't intend to add to the commentary on the ladies' frocks, having neither the expertise nor inclination.

What I will say is that the efforts of the footy groupies are often unappreciated. In the same way that the AFL players have their established hierarchy, their women have their own too. Clearly, marrying a famous, fit, millionaire is the end-game (as for Mrs. Buckley) - but how do they get there?

I don't know, but it must be a delicate balancing act. On the one hand, early in your career you have to get to know the players. Perhaps only briefly, in the rear toilets of the Cricketers Arms Hotel. On the other hand, too much, err, "familiarity" at this point could nobble any chances of later marriage: no self-respecting footballing great would marry a woman who's been with half the AFL. You have to walk the tight-rope between getting known, and getting a reputation. It must be tough out there.

Next, there's the leap frog, that is transitioning from an entry (or exit) level player to a one with better prospects. The say you shouldn't swap horse mid-stream for a good reason: it's dangerous. Yet, these are precisely the skills that will see Brownlow chicks get ahead. They know who's on the way up, who's on the way down and who's just going in circles. It would be a bad idea to enter a footy tipping competition with these women, with their formidable knowledge of player performance and prospects. (And, in a game where player's groin can take up hundreds of column inches, you should not bet against a group of people who have spent so much time face-to-face with this crucial region.)

So, while a young Brownlow chick might not have the best footballer this year, she can always position herself to have a better showing next year with a quickie in the loos. Be warned though: if you're too blatant (like Kelli Stevens during the Carey/Stevens Affair) it can back-fire.



Don't Laugh.
Mutual co-incidence of wants?
No, really, it's their personalities that drew them together.

Many people deride these women with bleached hair, fake tans and desperation as "died, fried and put aside". Well, that may be true, but I say: Good on them! For one thing, they're performing a vital public service. By putting their bodies on the line and taking the big hits, they're absorbing a hell of a lot of sexual aggression that would otherwise flow out into the general public, where it's unwanted.

They also allow the buffoons on The Footy Show to make sly references to "predatory women" whenever a rape (or just a particularly sordid romp) goes public. Being able to spin the AFL players as victims provides valuable PR cover during such times, propping up the interests of the corporate-types at AFL HQ and the media.

Also, their rare and considerable capacity for personal debasement should not go unacknowledged. How many people would have the stomach to let a professional footballer urinate on them? Or put their own nascent sexual needs second (or third, or fourth ...) to satisfy the porno fantasies of a 19 year-old with some five-girls-in-a-spa action? Or get text messaged at 3am and told to come over to a stranger's house and "bring a girlfriend"? Or be shared around from player to player as part of club initiation and bonding rituals? Not many people would have the drive or ambition to put up with treatment like that, so these women are clearly exceptional.

And let's not forget the other hardships: how many meals were thrown-up in the months leading up to the big night? How many hours on the stairmaster or doing crunches at the gym? And the grooming - manicure, pedicure, waxing, plucking, tanning, hair, make-up etc - all come at vast expense to time, money and fragile egos.

So, three cheers for the young women of the Brownlow, who help make the game what it is today!

Word Count: 875

Tags: footy, culture, sleaze

Review: The Footy Show (Ours and Theirs)

The culture surrounding AFL footy is much like that surrounding yoghurt left in the sun. Nowhere is this better exemplified than the loathsome AFL Footy Show. For those not in the know, this is a Channel Nine sports/variety show (presumably screened during prime-time only in the AFL states of SA, Victoria and Tasmania and possibly WA). Australian television has a strong tradition of sport/comedy television, particularly on the ABC. There was Denton's Live and Sweaty (later taken on by Elle McFeast), Tony Squire's The Fat, Roy and H.G., and who could forget Graham and The Colonel from The Late Show.

There is a "northern" (or rugby) version called the NRL Footy Show, following the same format, production values etc made out of Sydney. As a Melburnian, I'm incensed that theirs is far superior. Dammit! Why is that?

For starters, the regulars on the NRL Footy Show are ex-players. These guys - Fatty, Sterlo, Chief and Matty - have a genuine rapport that can only come with being a part of the game for so long. They actually seem to like each other and are not afraid to be affectionate, even sentimental. This was evident last night when Fatty returned after a couple of months recovering from some sort of accident. You could really feel the love in the room!

The humour is undeniably Australian, and they're not afraid to put themselves down, look stupid or take the piss from the assembled guests and players. But it's all done in good fun, devoid of viciousness or nastiness. While they clearly love their sport, they're not fawning or rude and have a sense of perspective.



By way of contrast, the Aussie Rules (or "southern") version is excruciating and lame. For starters, the line-up is weak. We've got millionaire media figure and club owner Eddie McGuire, floundering out of his depth. Somewhere a used-car is going unsold because of his involvement in this show.

Then, we have Sam Newman (the only host to actually play the game), a man who has spent much of his life being the only person in the room to have read an entire book. In AFL circles, this qualifies him as a Chomsky-like public intellectual, and it's warped his personality. He's not shy about inflicting his catchcry "You idiot" on the public, especially the elderly or people for whom English is their second language. Har, bloody, har.

Lastly, to add some showbiz razzle-dazzle we have Trevor Marmalade. I've got no view on his basic decency or good-bloke status, but I find his brand of humour (vaudeville-style gags straight out of "The Bumper Book of 1001 Gags Guaranteed to Make You Wet Yourself") very dated and old-fashioned. It might play well down at the RSL, but we won't be seeing his innovative comedy stylings at the Fringe Festival any time soon.

The on-stage vibe is aggressive, sometimes hostile. The humour is nasty and frequently sexist and racist. The five minute soap parodies are cheap, humourless and lame beyond description. Some (ex-)players are feted as gods while other guests are humiliated for a laugh. The hosts and guests show no talent for self-deprecation or taking the piss out of each other - key requirements for Australian humourists. It's all egos bumping up against each other, leading to an ugly undercurrent permeating the entire show.

In short - where's the love? The AFL Footy Show producers should take a long look at the NRL Footy Show and follow their example. It's telling that they can't find any thoughtful, talented, funny bastards from the ranks of retired AFL players to make the line-up.

C'mon, surely Melbourne deserves to wrest back the crown of footy-based comedy - or is The Fifth Quarter the best we can manage?

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Tags: footy, culture, media