Warning: Elevated Risks From "Mad Monday"

*** WARNING ***
Please be advised that Monday the 4th of September is "Mad Monday". This is an extremely dangerous time to be near footballers, so all Melburnians are advised to take necessary precautions.

Background

"Mad Monday" is the first Monday after the conclusion of regular AFL matches (or the "home and away" season). This means that eight out of the 16 teams are out of the competition and so can finally indulge in all manner of pent up vices. Expect roughly 300 disappointed and angry footballers to be cutting loose on the town from this date, relieving a five month backlog of aggro and excess.

Threats

You can expect hundreds of large, frustrated and psychologically-damaged men to be roaming the streets in groups. Many will be aggressive and drunk. Owing to their reduced alcohol tolerance, you should expect several to be out of control, with some looking to get into fights. Others may well be drug-affected. If you're lucky, they'll just be on ecstasy or marijuana. The worst-case scenario is an encounter with footballers who have taken crystal meth and cocaine. Disturbingly, we've had reports of attempts by footballers to use so-called "date rape" drugs like rohypnol. Do not accept drinks from players, and do not leave your drink unattended.

We've had specific intelligence from former player (and commentator) Dermot Brereton about the nature of "Mad Monday" celebrations:

Brereton, who starred for Hawthorn in the 1980s and still has close contact with players through his commentator duties, said drug-taking was said to be preferred to alcohol in post-season celebrations.

"We heard rumours that somebody turned up to one of those mad Mondays and there wasn't a beer in sight ... (The Australian, 31/3/05, reported in The Speccy)

Please be advised that the salubrious nature of "Mad Monday" can corrupt even upstanding captains of industry, with some easily swept up in the surge of debauchery:



Eddie McGuire Led Astray During "Mad Monday" 2005
Source: After Grog Blog

Mitigation

We've elevated the AFL Footballer Threat Index to Condition Red (the highest threat level). You should avoid venues likely to attract footballers and leave if they appear:

• Football club rooms


• Any pub with football paraphernalia


• Known drug-dealing precincts


• Expensive restaurants (that lack a dress code)


• Year 10 formals (private girls' schools only)

If you see a footballer, secure your own safety and immediately visit the AFL Misbehaviour Market to place your bets on whether or not that player will be appearing next in court. If the player is passed out in the gutter and about to swallow his tongue or drown in his own vomit, do not approach him. Instead, you should consider short-selling his stock.

Lastly, if you have not already done so, you should visit The Speccy Shop, where (subject to your local laws), you can pick up some products that could save your life, including our popular line of stun guns, pepper spray, drink spike detectors and first aid kits. These products - and many others in our extensive catalogue - have been carefully selected to offer you maximum protection against footballer attack. (Or recovery from an attack, in the case of the DNA kits and STD Self-Diagnosis Handbook.)

Please, people, play it safe. If you know of any places where footballers congregate - especially pub, clubs and bars - please provide a tip-off in the comments below to help out your fellow citizens.

Acting together, we can get through this dangerous ordeal without further injuries.

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Tags: footy, bashing, drugs, rape, sleaze, booze