Speccy Shop: Surviving The Footy Season

Here at The Speccy, we take great pride in providing factual, balanceding and potentially life-saving information to the wider community. Through our regular bulletins and world-first AFL Threat Level Indicator, we're at the forefront of football public safety. But with AFL Season 2006 creeping up on us like a lecherous boss at an office Christmas party, we believe the time has come to empower our readers.

Starting from today, you can couple the first-class analysis and key insights from The AFL Player Spectator with high-quality tools to help you protect you and your loved ones in this time of peril. We've carefully selected a range of essential equipment and knowledge to ensure you can enjoy a night out without the constant worry of attack by a pack of drug-addled predatory footy players with something to prove.

Please Note ...

These items are offered for sale by our retail partner, Amazon.com. Please check whether it is legal to import, purchase and possess these items in your local jurisdiction. The Speccy will receive a modest commission of around 5% on sales. If you'd like to contribute directly, please use the donation button found on the sidebar on the right. This catalogue is subject to change without notice and all product enquiries and transactions are to be directed to Amazon.com. If you have further suggestions for the Speccy Shop, please send 'em in. We'd be happy to help out.

Stun Gun

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Let's not mince words. Sometimes, an upfront and direct approach is required to deal with burly and aggressive footy players. We've searched the market for something that we believe will stop an AFL player in his tracks. From the product description:

Simply touching an attacker with a stun gun for three to five seconds will deliver a high voltage shock causing loss of balance and muscle control, confusion and disorientation, bringing him to his knees and making him incapable of further aggressive activity.

Yep, as a last resort, this should dissuade even the most diehard footballer from further attacks. NB: Check if this product is legal for you to have before ordering!

Pepper Spray

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Stun guns are great, but you may want to disable your assailant before he gets close enough to zap. In this case, you might want to consider pepper spray. On reading the description for this product, it seemed it was almost designed with AFL players in mind:

Because it is an inflammatory, rather than an irritant, OC is effective against all those who feel no pain such as psychotics, drunks and drug abusers. OC has proven itself to be the ABSOLUTE BEST DETERRENT available for attacking dogs and wild animal control.

This will "deter" AFL players alright! (Again, please check legality first to avoid disappointment.)

First-Aid Kit

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Despite the best planning and self-defence measures, sometimes things will go wrong. In which case, you and your friends will need to be ready for a quick patch-up while the ambulance arrives. This first-aid kit includes all the life-sustaining equipment you'll need for a big night out in Footy Town.

The cutting-edge urban bag design and "safety-first" bright orange means it will not be out of place at the rave parties and underground clubs where so many players stalk their prey. You may also wish to undertake a first-aid course and encourage your drinking buddies to do the same. You never know, the life you end up saving could be you own.

Breathalyser

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A simple breathalyser can play an important part of protecting yourself against AFL attack. A recent case in Western Australia involving Ben Cousins shows that footballers will - quite literally - run a mile when confronted with the prospect of being breathalysed.

A secondary use is to monitor the blood-alcohol levels of your friends and family when in public, as footballers can sniff out a heavily-intoxicated female - even from adjacent pubs. Note that this particular model will only measure BAC up to 0.12% - and hence is entirely useless for testing AFL players themselves.

Drug Test Kit

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Consider this list:

Marijuana, cocaine, ecstasy, PCP, amphetamines, opiates and methamphetamines

No, that's not the shopping list for an AFL end of season trip. That's the range of drugs detected by this urinalysis kit. At first blush, it seems the chances of getting a footy player to wee into a cup is vanishingly small. Hell, it took months of negotiations and hundreds of thousands of dollars of taxpayer money to get them to agree to any testing all! (Not to mention all the strife the results have caused.) But here's the trick: if you're one of the many women who has been urinated on by a footballer in a pub, you can ring out your clothes into a cup for immediate testing - and legal action. Not to mention media sales. Cha-ching! This only needs to happen once and those bastards will stop pissing on pub-goers quicker than you can say "Today Tonight".

Body Armour

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This slim and attractive undergarment will protect you from a range of body blows delivered by footballers. Comfortable, durable and replete with foam padding and Lycra(TM), it is designed for demanding encounters with Rugby players. Which means that the comparatively small and girlie-armed AFL footballers have no chance of getting through this bad boy. Further, the appearance of your beefed-up physique will frighten away all but the most drunken of footballers. You may wish to consider complementing this item with other padding and personal protection wear, given that your lower limbs, head and genitals are now dangerously exposed.

Rape Prevention Book

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Sadly, despite all efforts to the contrary, footballers will continue to rape. In an ideal world, women should not have to bear the burden of stopping these awful attacks. But, due to widespread misogynistic attitudes, women are forced to step up and take control for their own safety. They say that being forewarned is being forearmed. And speaking of being forearmed, that's just one of the techniques you'll learn in this thoughtful guide to rape prevention.

This program demonstrates specific techniques that women of all ages can use to protect themselves from a rapist and to stop a rape if in progress. The techniques have been proven to work.

Drink Spike Testers

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We've seen how some AFL players think it's amusing to spike women's drinks - even the wives of their supposed mates! It's distressing to think that footballers are passing around so-called date rape drugs like Rohypnol in order to rape incapacitated women. Common sense suggests you should never accept a drink from a footballer, or leave it unattended. However, for those occasions when it's impossible to avoid, you should consider these Drink Spike Detectors.

A personal test strip designed to detect the possible presence of illicit "Date Rape" drugs in alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages.

These little strips could save you or a friend from ending up playing a starring role in the bizarre sexual initiation rites of an AFL team.

Night Vision Scope

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It's no secret that most AFL attacks occur after dark. While our city officials do what they can do install safe lighting in our urban areas, there are still plenty of dark alleys, parks and other nooks. With this handy and easy-to-use Night Vision Scope, you'll be able to see them coming:

Its hand-cradle gives you easy, comfortable yet secure one-handed operational use. This monocular is extremely versatile and incorporates a powerful built-in infrared illuminator and a tripod mount into a lightweight and compact body.

STD Self-Diagnosis

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If you have any sexual contact with a footballer - either consensual or forced - you should consider using this book. It's probably worth a look even if you just availed yourself of a toilet in a pub or club frequented by footballers.

From the author's world renown collection of clinical photographs comes this unprecedented collage of full color views of common and uncommon sexually transmitted diseases. An invaluable tool for differential diagnosis of STDs, the atlas features one to two color photograph for each disorder and accompanies those with the salient points of epidemiology, clinical signs, physical exam, diagnosis and management.

Just the ticket for that mysterious post-encounter rash or sticky discharge. Please note: you should always seek medical and legal advice after a sexual encounter with an AFL player.

DNA Testing Kit

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Unfortunately, you can't rely on AFL players to be wearing their numbered guernseys when they bash or rape. Identifying them after the attack can be difficult, especially if it's dark, there's more than one, and alcohol is involved (as is often the case). That's where DNA profiling can be an absolute godsend. The AFL Players' union hates the idea of their members being DNA profiled ... with technology like this, we can understand why! We recommend using this kit to immediately collect any semen, blood or hair the attackers have left behind.

This kit offers a safe, easy-to-use and detailed way to take and store your own DNA sample. Each pack includes a DNA storage kit, DNA profile request pack and detailed instructions. seal it up in the airtight self-sealing pouch to stabilize your DNA and prevent other agents from destroying or corrupting it. Want more detailed information? Take a second swab and send it in for analysis. Your unique DNA code and image will be sent to you within 45 days. Analysis of second swab requires an additional fee.

Again, you should contact police immediately before, during or after an assault has taken police. They have experts who can collect this kind of evidence far better than amateurs. But sadly, we cannot always trust the police to investigate such matters properly and rape evidence has been known to mysteriously disappear while in police hands. Think of this as a backup measure in case of police failure.

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We'll be adding to the catalogue as items become available and are drawn to our attention. Thank you for shopping with The Speccy!

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Tags: footy, bashing, rape, booze, sleaze, drugs