Sam Newman versus The Sisterhood

Mediocre former footballer Sam Newman, 72, is no stranger to controversy. While his playing career in post-War Geelong was of little import, he's created big waves re-inventing himself as a buffoon on the widely-panned AFL Footy Show. With his badly botched face and reputation as a pants man, he gained a public notoriety far in excess of his media abilities. His greatest success has been to take a penchant for abusing migrants, the elderly and teens in the street and turn it into a lucrative earner. (More details about his misogyny, idiocy and hate can be found on Wikipedia.)

Sam Newman's most recent controversy arose after an attack on fellow media personality and football writer, Caroline Wilson. "Caro" is the chief football writer for The Age, and appears on Nine's Footy Classified chat show. Newman attacked her on The Footy Show in a now-infamous sketch involving a mannequin in lingerie, a staple gun, a cut-out image of Wilson's face and biting references to her dress and appearance.

You can see some video footage of Newman's brand of hate-filled puppetry here:

The host of both shows, Gary Lyon, faced criticism for failing to stop Newman during his "skit" and for not standing up for his co-panellist (on another show), Wilson. While a half-arsed sort-of apology was forthcoming from Lyon, Newman has remained firm. Channel Nine wasn't budging and signals from the AFL hierarchy indicated that, while they didn't like it, they weren't going to do anything about it.

So in response, a group of senior women in AFL - mostly board members of the various clubs - wrote a letter demanding that The Footy Show tone it down and receive a seminar on respecting women. Newman's response on radio was to dismiss the women as "shrieking, hysterical, desperate". He announced on-air that he tried to quit, but Channel Nine would not accept his resignation and forced him to continue.

And why wouldn't they? This kind of thing is a ratings winner. And besides, it's unlikely to mollify their critics. So they'll be trying a different tack:



I'm not sure if our football industry - in particular The Footy Show - has really embraced the AFL's policy on respect and responsibility for women. Perhaps attending some seminars is a good starting point.

*** UPDATE ***

For the sake of completeness, we'll provide a mini-wrap on the Sam Newman situation. In a word, he's been boned. Channel Nine management, hoping to ride out the imbroglio, spent eight weeks batting the issue away. Sam kept escalating - calling some critics liars, for instance - and the media (led by The Age) kept pushing. Finally, after ratings slipped 15% and some advertisers took their concerns public, the axe fell.

Sam Newman has been dropped from The Footy Show, indefinitely, by Nine's Melbourne supremo Jeffrey Browne.

Sure, some bland motherhood statements were made (did I hear "gardening leave"?). Newman has been publicly ordered into counselling with a psychologist who specialises in troubled children. Nice one. He's been off the air for three weeks (even nicer). He's also contracted the flu, broken his ankle doing weights and had hospital treatment for a hernia resulting from a coughing fit. (I suspect the collective wishful thinking of Melburnians may have played a role in that run of bad luck.)

In a remarkable scoop, Age columnist Catherine Deveny gives us all an extraordinary insight into the counselling sessions with this transcript.

So I guess we can add Sam Newman to the list of ultra-arrogant football alpha-males to have been humbled in recent months, alongside Ben Cousins and Wayne Carey. Who's next?

*** UPDATE ***
Well, I have to admit to being fooled on this one. I thought Sam Newman would stay off the air for at least a couple of months, maybe until the finals started. But no. Three bloody weeks. In a sarcastic and unrepentant tone, he announced to the host, Garry Lyon, "I actually feel cleansed, Garry ... I feel refreshed, and I have learned a lot about myself, Gaz".


Newman hams it up for bogans.
Source: The Age.

This year, Newman's had cameras up his arse, painful surgery made worse by having Eddie McGuire hovering around asking questions and trying to look useful, broken bones and now he's been publicly dressed down and sent to counselling sessions. How much more humiliation can this idiot take? I look forward to finding out.

*** UPDATE ***

Serial pest Sam Newman has only been back on telly for a couple of weeks, but he's already generating headlines with his hate-filled, sexist "quips". This one relates to his assessment of a female Tasmanian politician, Paula Wriedt, as "worthy of coming on". Credit to the panel, they immediately took him to task - once the guffaws from the audience died down.

You can watch the video of Newman's witty wordplay and read the transcript here. Predictably, Channel Nine have dug their heels in rather than concede they've made yet another mistake in letting this buffoon on air. Nine News describe the offensive remark as a "quip" and referred to Caroline Wilson's ritual humiliation as a "gag".

Come on!

Word Count: 407

Tags: footy, media, sleaze, scandals

Wayne Carey Throws Away Career

One of AFL footy's greatest ever players, Wayne Carey, has imploded in a stupefyingly spectacular outburst of anger, misogyny and violence. It seems his entire post-football career is finished, with his employers falling over themselves in a rush to ditch him. Facing police assault charges in Miami and with the prospect of more in Australia, earlier questions about his behaviour towards his girlfriend, model Kate Neilson, have been raised again.

Disturbance in Port Melbourne

The current controversy kicked off when Wayne Carey, a regular topic of interest here on The Speccy, (allegedly) called police to his exclusive Port Melbourne apartment. Apparently, he wanted them to remove his girlfriend, the "grid girl" and "glamour model" Kate Neilson, and her friend Sabella Sugar:


Kate Neilson, working to promote bogan-sports.
Source: Herald-Sun.

When police arrived, it's alleged that Carey became out of control:

Senior Constable Wayne Wilson said police were allegedly assaulted at the apartment front door.

"Police arrived and then at the front door the fellow from the address allegedly assaulted police officers," Sen Const Wilson said.

"They struggled with him, sprayed him. He was arrested and taken to the St Kilda police station where he was spoken to and interviewed, and a brief of evidence will be prepared in relation to assault police. (Perth Now, 28/1/2008)

So Carey was "maced" (or, more correctly, sprayed with capsicum spray) by police in an effort to control him. At this point, standard procedure requires paramedics to be called. We can see the effects of this thanks to the CCTV footage from the security cameras in the lift and lobby:



This security footage - apparently purchased by our old friends Channel 7 - has sparked its own mini-scandal:

The Seven Network tonight aired what it described as exclusive security footage from Carey's apartment building.

The footage showed Carey, dressed in a blue t-shirt and jeans, being led into a lift and then out of the foyer by two police officers.

Carey appeared red-faced and, in one portion of the footage, was having water poured over his face. [see above]

But the Nine Network said police were investigating how the footage was obtained.

A security guard offered Nine the same footage for $20,000 but the network did not buy it because it was feared the images were stolen, Nine reporter Tony Jones said tonight.

A Victoria Police spokeswoman said police denied such an investigation had been launched. (The Age, 28/1/2008)

(Heh. Still, not as damaging to the league as naming [that club] in The Great Medical Records Shitstorm of 2007.)

Carey was maced, cuffed and taken into custody and the scandal broke around midnight on Sunday night. By Monday, his radio gig at 3AW was under threat, with broadcaster Neil Mitchell publicly decrying Carey. By Tuesday, the axe had fallen and Wayne Carey was not to have his contract renewed. (Predictably, 3AW claimed this was a decision they'd already taken and had nothing to do with his actions over the weekend.)

Miami Incident Goes Public

Kate Neilson, in trouble in paradise.
Source: Herald-Sun

Later on Tuesday, Australia was rocked to hear that in October 2007, Wayne Carey had been charged by US police in Miami under suspiciously similar circumstances: a domestic disturbance followed by assault against police:

In the report, arresting officer Daniel Rodriguez said Kate Neilson told police when they arrived that her boyfriend of two years had smashed a wine glass on her mouth, causing lacerations to her mouth and neck.

Police went upstairs to the couple's hotel room and knocked several times on the door, but Carey didn't answer.

When hotel security opened the door, Carey was asleep on the bed and did not wake until police tapped him on the shoulder, the incident report stated.

"At this point he became aggressive, jumped out of bed and became confrontational towards these officers," Officer Rodriguez said.

After a scuffle Carey fell back on the bed and kicked Officer Rodriguez in the mouth.

When police attempted to restrain Carey, he elbowed a second officer in the face.

Carey was turned on his stomach and put into handcuffs, but as he was hauled away continued to push the second officer, using his shoulders and side.

When he was put inside the patrol vehicle, he bashed his head against the plexiglass of the divider separating him from the officers. (The Age, 30/1/2008)

Carey's Miami Mugshot
Source: The Age

Carey was so out-of-control he had to be "hobbled" with special leg restraints for "combative, violent, high-risk people". He is due in court in Miami on February 15th and faces up to 15 years in jail for his alleged criminal behaviour. As a result of this latest scandal, Channel 9 dumped him from his on-air roles with the (loathsome) AFL Footy Show and Footy Confidential. I doubt anyone will miss his tactless and cruel remarks about the problems of others.

More Details of Party Emerge

Adding to the furore, new stories have surfaced about underworld links and drugs at the party at Carey's Rouse St apartment in the hours leading up to his arrest:

Traces of cocaine were also allegedly found in Carey's apartment, sources said.

Today Tonight reported last night that Stingers actor Kate Kendall and her husband, former Carlton football great Wayne "The Dominator" Johnston, were invited guests at a party Carey hosted on Sunday.

Kendall's manager said they had left the party long before police were called.

A source close to police repeated details of the party to The Age. The source said a high-profile horse trainer and a former VFL footballer who is a known associate of murdered drug dealer Jason Moran, were also present. (The Age, 30/1/2008)

Party Girls, Sabella and Kate
Source: Daily Telegraph

At this point, we should remind readers that Wayne Carey was also an associate of (now slain) drug dealer and hitman Jason Moran, Mark's half-brother. Carey gave character testimony for Moran in 2000.

Back in March, 2007, we covered an Age investigation detailing a major drug operation against a well-known former AFL player with a huge media profile for his cocaine use. At the time, Carey refused to rule himself out:

FOOTBALL great Wayne Carey refuses to say whether he has dabbled with cocaine, and insists he knows nothing about the alleged habits of other sporting greats.

As the game's big names went to ground yesterday, Carey told the Herald Sun he was unaware of claims a former star player was under police pressure to snitch on a cocaine dealer.

But the controversial ex-Roo and Crow would not say if he had dabbled with the drug himself.

"No, I'm here with my daughter," Carey said.

"I'm saying no, I don't want to comment." (Herald-Sun, 26/3/2008)

It's also not the first time Carey has been accused of domestic violence. As we reported just over a year ago, allegations were levelled against him for attacking Kate Neilson in December, 2007:

WAYNE Carey's girlfriend has told police she was assaulted by the former football champion.

It has been alleged a frightened Kate Neilson went to police after an incident at a Port Melbourne penthouse apartment.

The Herald Sun believes the model told police she was scared to leave the two-time Kangaroos premiership player.

Carey and Ms Neilson have denied the incident, but police sources claim she called 000 after being struck last Thursday, but was so distraught operators couldn't understand her complaint.

It was handed over to police and she went to South Melbourne police station to speak to officers there about 1.30am.

Police have told the Herald Sun that Ms Neilson had minor injuries when she arrived at the station, and she claimed Carey had punched her. (Herald-Sun, 28/12/2006)

Kate Nielson and Wayne Carey in Happier Days
Source: Adelaide Now


The public long suspected Wayne Carey was a bad man, stemming from incidents going back years. We were just prepared to overlook the facts on account of his star footy status. A philander, a misogynist, as well as aggressive and violent with extensive underworld connections. A man who indecently attacked a 19 year-old woman out the front of a nightclub. A man who cheated on his wife with his team-mate, and then abandoned her a second time just weeks after she gave birth.

Now, it seems that without his prodigious football talent to hide behind, he is being hung out to dry and getting exactly what he deserves. (Even his entry into the AFL Hall of Fame - formerly a slam-dunk - is now under a cloud.) The great shame is that people didn't see him for the pathetic, angry man that he is earlier. The Australian footy-loving public was blinded to his monstrous flaws and the blind adulation only fuelled his ego and sense of imperviousness.

Consider the remarks of the Miami police, public officials immune to the star power of an Aussie Rules player who can see him for what he is:

Miami Police Lieutenant Bill Schwartz said Carey was a "mess'' and should have left his aggression on the football field. Instead he used "his famous foot" to kick an officers in the mouth.

"It looks as though that he used his wine glass to try to knock out his girlfriend, his foot and elbow to try to knock out some cops and his head to try to knock out a police car," Lt Schwartz said.

He said the officers did not know who Carey was then.

"To us, he was just another thug."

...


"The young woman had lacerations to her mouth and her neck, apparently she had been hit in the face with a wine glass,'' Lt Schwartz told the Nine Network.

"She told us Mr Carey had done this.

...

"Mr Carey became belligerent when we approached him - in fact, he ended up kicking one of our officers in the mouth with his famous foot," Lt Schwartz said.

"He struck another officer in the side of the head with his elbow and he had to be subdued.

"Then once he was handcuffed and in the police car, he took his head and tried to bash a hole in the partition between the prisoner's side and the officer's.

"Clearly Mr Carey has anger management issues and he seemed to be upset with the entire world that particular morning. (Herald-Sun, 30/1/2008)

There you have it. Just another thug upset at the entire world. If only the rest of us had seen Wayne Carey so clearly ten years ago, if only we weren't so quick to make excuses and overlook his behaviour, maybe all this pain, heartache and disappointment could have been avoided.

*** UPDATE ***
With violent, drug-addled thug Wayne Carey back in the headlines, it's worth a quick post rounding up the key points, breaking news and other sordid details from his life with paramour Kate Neilson. Click through for the latest word.

Citations: Perth Now, 28/1/2008; The Age, 28/1/2008; The Age, 30/1/2008; The Age, 30/1/2008; Herald-Sun, 26/3/2008; Herald-Sun, 28/12/2006; Herald-Sun, 30/1/2008

Word Count: 1861

Tags: footy, scandals, court, media, bashing

New Footballer Testing Regime Soon?

One of the advantages of living so close to the MCG is finding interesting pieces of paper lying in nearby gutters. I'm not sure what to make of this, so being unbound by journalistic ethics, I thought it best to release the document into the public record and see what others make of it. Of course, I can't vouch for the source or veracity of the claims made and it's clearly just one page from what appears to be a draft media release or speech.

... an increasing problem facing not just footballers but the wider Australian community. The League, supported by the Players' Association, believes that we are in a position to take a strong leadership role on this issue.

We must recognise that this is not a discipline problem, but a medical issue. First and foremost must be the proper care and rehabilitation of players. In order to achieve this, we must guarantee the integrity of test results under doctor-patient confidentiality.

It's with this in mind that we are proud to jointly announce the new "three-strikes" obesity agreement, under which players voluntarily submit to skin-fold tests:

• First abnormal result. The player and the League's medical officer will be informed.


• Second abnormal result. The player and his club's medical officer will be informed. The player must enter counselling, group therapy and rehabilitation to deal with their underlying issues that cause them to over-eat in the first place .


• Third abnormal result. The player's club is informed and the club may choose to suspend or fine the player under the Player Agreement. The player may choose to divulge the reason for any club action, or keep it confidential.

We've sought the best advice from health academics about how to deal with chronic over-eating and body perception issues. Experts from the Institute for the Morbidly Obese, Over-Eaters Anonymous and the International Centre for the Study of Gland Disorders confirm that publicly naming and shaming patients is counter-productive. This is because it may further damage their low self-esteem and add pressure, two of the principal causes of eating disorders.

With this in mind, responsibility for future skin-fold testing will be taken from the clubs and conducted by contractors for the League according to the agreed protocol:

• There will be up to 500 tests per year, across the 650 players.


• Players may decline to submit to a test without stating a reason.


• Tests will be conducted both in and out of competition (except for two months at the end of season).


• All measures will be used to preserve the confidentiality of test results, including police investigations, Supreme Court injunctions and player boycotts.


• The testing schedule will remain as secret as practicable, given the close-knit football environment.


• Target testing may be employed. However, anyone nominating a player may be sued for defamation or punished for bringing the game into disrepute.

Clearly, obesity is not just limited to footballers. All facets of society are afflicted with this terrible curse. While we recognise that footballers are role models - especially to young impressionable children - we cannot use this an excuse to ride roughshod over basic human rights.

This new agreement strikes a fair and reasonable balance between the medical privacy of footballers and their commitment to elite-level competitive sport. We are now the only League in the world to conduct ... (Papers in gutter, found 5/9/2007)

Well, it certainly seems that there could be some announcement soon, if this is anything to go by. If any other pages turn up, I'll be sure to post them here.

Word Count: 595

Tags: footy, media

Footy Players As Media Stars

The demands of generating a constant stream of opinionated drivel are well known to all bloggers, columnists and panellists. These are magnified enormously when there's a large number of competitive protagonists, a small number of available slots and a hostile, barely-literate audience. This article examines some of the AFL's high-profile mavens and their recent public snafus, including Wayne Carey and Jason Akermanis.

Wayne Carey

We've covered Wayne Carey's off-field problems in some detail already. After retirement, he's sought his fame and fortune as a Fox Sports commentator and more recently, on Channel Nine's Footy Confidential show. On another footy discussion show (yes, there's a never-ending supply of them now), Carey displayed his trademark intelligence and sensitivity with some bizarre remarks relating to Kangaroo Nathan Thompson's recovery from depression:

“It would be nice for Thommo to stay away from the Darwin cup and concentrate on his recovery and maybe he’d get back and get a kick. He’s got depression and he’s up there punting on horses - what is he thinking?" Carey, a former captain of the Kangaroos, said on The Sunday Footy Show.

But while controversial, Carey's comments have been overshadowed by an aside he made as the show returned from an ad break. Although the audio is muddied by music, Carey can be heard remarking ``... end up necking himself.''

Host Tony Jones is clearly knocked off balance by the comment, but then moves decisively to end the discussion. (Herald-Sun, 13/8/2007)

(As an aside, I'd have like to have seen the consequences if the real Tony Jones from the ABC's Lateline was hosting. Carey would have been made to look the fool he is by being held to account through a vigorous forensic grilling by an actual journalist.)

Naturally, this remark earned Carey a huge amount of public criticism and opprobrium, including some deep psychoanalysis of his own mental problems in The Age's RealFooty. Talk back was abuzz and the letters pages to the newspapers were engulfed with derision. Sub-editors had a field-day with Duck/Goose puns. In addition, various mental health advocates (including Hawk's president and chairman of BeyondBlue Jeff Kennet) weighed in. Strangely, the AFL's most respected depression expert, West Coast CEO Trevor Nisbett, was silent. Perhaps a man of his extraordinary diagnostic talent doesn't bother with such obvious cases.

At The Speccy, we don't see what the fuss is about. Carey fills a Sam Newman-esque role of drawing mug crowds by being an insensitive, controversial and thick-skinned dickhead. Mission accomplished. Do you think the producers of that particular telly show are upset by this? Or the advertisers? Hardly.

This is a man who cheats on his pregnant wife with bleached-blonde bogan bait; who provides character references for killers and drug dealers; who sexually assaults women; who betrays his wife and best mate with sexual affairs. So, no surprises that he holds "controversial" (ie neolithic) attitudes to a range of issues. What is surprising is that so many Australians wish to see him on their televisions.

Jason Akermanis

Another loud-mouthed idiot facing pressure to come up with the goods is Jason "Aker" Akermanis, playing this month for the Western Bulldogs. As the dying embers of his career flicker in the twilight, he is desperate to cement his position as an AFL insider with a knack for pulling audiences. I imagine he - and his minders - has hopes of a future as a "media personality" in the buffoonish tradition of Sam Newman. Earlier efforts at generating publicity included on-field handstands and some blogging that ultimately saw him dropped from his club, the Brisbane Lions, for criticising the coach.

His latest efforts to please his paymaster - Rupert Murdoch - saw him pen a column in which he lambasted an unnamed opposing player for "running like Superman" and performing seemingly-impossible feats of endurance. Akermanis attributed this to performance-enhancing drugs, most likely EPO:

It is best for me not to name names here, but something very similar happened to me a few years back.

I want to relate a story about an opponent who, overnight, developed an amazing ability to run a lot harder, faster and longer than he ever had before.

...

On this day, though, he out-ran me. He ran like Superman, having never shown signs of so doing before, and was still sprinting hard in the last term.

I was left thinking, "Hang on, something isn't smelling right".

...

What should I do? No idea. I have no proof, just an educated opinion based on very real experiences. (Herald-Sun, 1/8/2007)

As a result of this media stunt, Akermanis was widely condemned by all those who have a stake in the status quo: the AFL executive, the AFL Players' union, various coaches, former players and just about everyone else that doesn't want bad news.

Later, Channel 7 named the player in question as Michael Braun. His club, the drug-riddled West Coast Eagles, denied it and ASADA (the Government's Sports Anti-Doping Agency) launched an investigation. This inquiry reported back with negative findings and now Akermanis (and Channel 7) is being sued by the Eagles. He's also facing an inquiry from the AFL over bringing the game into disrepute.

While Akermanis has been totally self-serving in his goals, I must admit to a begrudging respect. (Not least because he knows Auslan and is learning Japanese.) It's clear the AFL is not interested in finding out about drug cheats: how else can you explain 500 tests a year for 650 players? How else can you explain letting players get away with not providing a sample if they don't feel like it? There's even doubts about whether or not they test for EPO as a matter of course.

But what is really troubling is that the body charged with the testing - ASADA - is hopelessly compromised. Remember, just a month or so before Akermanis wrote his article, Port Adelaide was correctly tipped off about upcoming ASADA testing. With very little in the way of media scrutiny, ASADA quietly conducted its own investigation into how the leak happened. They concluded it was a "mystery" (their words, not mine). The AFL said it was "comfortable" with this outcome (again, not my words).

ASADA issued a statement clearing itself of criticism and refused to discuss the manner or conduct of its self-investigation. As a result, we can have no confidence in this body and the fact that it's given Braun the "all-clear" sheds no light on whether or not he actually is a drug cheat. This is very sad, not least for Braun, who - if he is clean - deserves to have that established by a credible authority. It's also a problem for Akermanis' legal team in mounting a defence.

While all this was unfolding, another loud-mouth staring down the barrel of obscurity was using the drugs issue to desperately raise his profile: Peter Everitt. Occasional TV panelist, "Spida" has come out decrying how players now use addiction as a "free-pass" for bad behaviour and describing the drug-testing regime as a "shemozzle". Of course, he is completely right. But the fact that he gets attention for stating the obvious indicates something is seriously wrong.

Is it acceptable that the AFL's own incompetence and cynical manipulation of these matters provides a platform for advancing the post-career media prospects of these people? In an environment where "shut up and we can keep taking their money" is the dominant view and people are encouraged not to rock the boat, it's inevitable that self-aggrandising opinion-leaders are "forced to" (that is, get away with) resorting to public allegations like this.

In the cases of both Wayne Carey and Jason Akermanis, the desire to create controversy and get headlines has damaged the game. Both have put their interests first. In this, their actions are merely a continuation of career-long practices for which they have both been well rewarded.

*** UPDATE ***
It turns out that Jason Akermanis suspected up to five AFL players were cheating with performance-enhancing drugs. The players in question were tested by ASADA - after a suitable delay, naturally. (No-one wants any nasty surprises.) They're all clean. If only we could have reasonable confidence in ASADA's ability to conduct these kinds of drug detection operations.

Citations: Herald-Sun, 13/8/2007; Herald-Sun, 1/8/2007

Word Count: 1347

Tags: footy, media, drugs

Bright Young Star's Career Trashed

It's a tale we've covered too often before: a bright young star with the right blood-lines on the up-and-up and a beautiful soapie actress, in love and the society pages. Then the break up, followed by allegations of violence and intimidation. A court case ensues, but he's already been dropped by his employer. Shunned by his industry, the tabloids turns against him and headlines scream of favouritism. His convictions are overturned, but too late: his career is in tatters, contracts torn up and the bright young star is snuffed out.

Hang-on - we're not talking about a footballer, are we? No, of course not. We're talking about radio host and TV personality Matthew Newton and his break-up with actress Brooke Satchwell. In this article, the contrast between how his case has been handled and the many similar incidents involving high-profile footballers is thrown into sharp relief, showing up the Australian media - and by extension, all of us - as the hypocritical meat-puppets we are.

The facts of the Matthew Newton case are pretty well-established: the son of entertainment royalty Patti and Bert Newton, he was following in their footsteps and had a six-year relationship with Brooke Satchwell. The wheels fell off and in September and October last year he was alleged to have attacked her, striking her and making threats. As a result, he was arrested and charged with (among offences) intimidation and assault occasioning actual bodily harm. He denied the charges. They were later reduced and he pleaded guilty to the one count of common assault. He was put on a good behaviour bond but convicted. He appealed the conviction and it was overturned in July, 2007.

Clearly, this is highly-unsavoury behaviour and he deserves to be both roundly and publicly condemned, as well as dealt with by the courts. Further, his career has suffered immeasurably, well before any court proceedings started:

After an impressive test run last summer, Newton signed a five-figure contract to broadcast Nova's drive shift into Melbourne and Sydney with comedian Akmal Saleh. The ink was still damp when news of Newton's assault charges hit the press in both cities.

Newton's contract was torn up the day after the story broke - just hours before his first drive shift. (The Age, 24/7/2007)

(The "five-figure sum" is reported as up to $200,000 - considerably below the average AFL salary.) Even the headlines - led by the raucous and salacious Murdoch-owned Daily Telegraph - were hysterical and shrill:

VIP Justice - Courts smile on stars in trouble

— The Daily Telegraph, 18th July, 2007

Judge quashes conviction of star for assault.

— The Newcastle Herald, 18th July, 2007

Fury as Newton cleared

— Herald Sun, 18th July, 2007 (Media Watch, 23/7/2007)

We could add to that The Hun's "Betraying the victims of domestic violence" (Herald-Sun, 21/7/2007). Also, check out the Media Watch link to see what Sydney's notorious shock-jock culture made of all this. It's not pretty.

What's driving this? Let's take it as read that tabloid editors are rewarded by their ability to pander to the lowest common denominator and flatter our prejudices. Let's note that they are extremely wealthy men, and so presumably competent in this regard. They are merely giving us - the Great Unwashed - what we want. You don't get to be a populist hate-monger by ignoring petitions like these.

Nova radio's general manager, Sam Thompson, explained that "it's not up to me. It's up to our listeners. And they have spoken loud and clear." She refers to "the avalanche of calls and emails from listeners calling for Newton's scalp" and says Nova listeners will "guide her decisions".

Now, here's my point: where were the tabloid editors, "responsible employers", outraged public and petition-makers when Collingwood's Ben Johnson put a young man in hospital with head injuries? This guy was in intensive care as a result of the severe bashing Johnson inflicted. Johnson too was let off without conviction.

What about when Brodie Holland struck a woman at a nightclub? What about when Colin Sylvia attacked his girlfriend? What about when Heath Scotland hit a woman in a nightclub's toilets? And then (allegedly) another woman in Ballarat? What about Andrew Lovett abducting and beating his girlfriend? What about Michael Voss, Fraser Gehrig and others harassing a young woman in a pub and beating up her boyfriend (only now going before the courts). What about when Jeff Farmer, well, he's just trouble.

Now, these examples are drawn from the 12 months or so since the Newton/Satchwell case broke. They all have elements in common with this case: high-profile young men, violence - or allegations of violence - against women, court cases with failure to convict. There are plenty of other bashings, rapes and attacks on record; use the menu on the right to find them.

In not one case am I aware of a footballer being dropped by his employer. (Remember when Eddie McGuire explained that Chris Tarrant and Ben Johnson "had to" play because they "owed the club"? No one said Newton "owed" Nova or its audience.) Nor have we seen salacious headlines, yet alone petitions to have the players banned. They continue to draw their massive salaries - I'd wager all players listed here "earn" more than Newton's reported $200K - uninterrupted. The only thing that would come close to the public backlash seen would be Alan Didak being booed for his foray into the world of the Hell's Angels.

We could get into conspiracy theories about how much money Rupert Murdoch makes from Channel Ten celebrities versus the footy. But there's no need; his editors are simply giving us what we demand. The real question is: why do we have double standards for our celebrities? Why are footballers allowed to get away with all sorts of violence and bad behaviour that other, comparable celebrities aren't? Why do Australians tolerate - even expect - our footballers to get away with a slap here, a punch there? Is it the physical nature of their profession? Is is only because their fanbase skews towards wife-beaters?

I don't know what the cause is, but we've long argued that AFL is the engine-room for the boganisation of Australia. Let's hope that people start buying newspapers that loudly decry and vilify the next footballer to hit a woman or cop a lenient sentence in court.

*** UPDATE ***
Here's some great examples of the frenzy of shame this case has generated. First, a poster "doing the rounds" about Newton and a really over-the-top blog article and comments (hey, it takes one to know one). Fair enough people are unhappy - but where's the anger for the dozens of cases of domestic violence and lenient justice dished out to football celebrities? Entirely constrained to these pages, it seems. Why is that? Why have one standard for TV folk and another for sportsmen? Can anyone explain this?

Citations: The Age, 24/7/2007; Media Watch, 23/7/2007; Herald-Sun, 21/7/2007

Word Count: 1115

Tags: footy, court, bashing, media

Roundup: Gambling, Newman and Footy Chicks

As a prelude to tomorrow's Grand Final, I thought I'd do a quick round-up of a few outstanding matters. First, I heard back from Victorian Gaming Minister John Pandazopoulos about my proposal for betting on AFL player court appearances. There's also closure for Sam Newman's public indecency and a heads-up on an SBS documentary airing tonight (Friday, 29/9/06).

The Victorian gaming industry has a tireless champion in John "Panda" Pandazopoulos - no-one has done more to advance the interests of gaming shareholders than Mr Pokies. It's quite strange, therefore, that Panda wouldn't get behind my proposal to let people wager on the club that will next see a player appear in court. His stated reasons were:

The integrity of sporting competitions upon which wagers are made is vital for public confidence and is an issue which is taken very seriously by the Victorian Government. A betting competition such as the one suggested by you may be considered contrary to the public interest and may compromise the integrity of sports betting as the outcome is relatively easy to manipulate. (Ministerial Correspondence, 22/9/2006)

NB: My emphasis added. As I read this, Panda's saying that he regards it as too easy to manipulate the AFL players' appearances in court. This is profoundly disturbing for two reasons. Firstly, it suggests that lacks confidence in the integrity of people making decisions about whether or not players appear in court. As I understand it, this is the police sergeants who charge people (for most matters) and the government lawyers at the Department of Public Prosecutions (for very serious matters). What does he know about corruption in these organs of state that the rest of us don't?

Faced with an apparent lack of faith in the people deciding whether to charge AFL players, you'd think he might talk to his Cabinet colleagues about some sort of inquiry. Maybe even referring specific instances to the Office of Police Integrity. But no - and here's my second concern - he's instead worried about how this might impact on the "integrity of sports betting"! Get that? His reaction to the easy "manipulation" of the decision-making processes underpinning our law is to fret about the impact on gamblers. What about the rest of us? If police or prosecutors are easily manipulated in who they present to the courts, surely there are wider issues than a few betting agencies. Jeez, talk about a captured minister ...

---

Elderly footy commentator Sam Newman was slapped with a piece of wet paper by the toothless Australian Communications and Media Authority:

On May 6 on Triple M's Saturday Football program, the 60-year-old responded to criticism by asking an unidentified caller if they were at the game that day. "Yes I was," the caller said, to which Newman responded: "You're a f---wit."

[ACMA] found the program "did not meet contemporary standards of decency". Triple M suspended Newman from the program and has made the former Geelong star undergo retraining ... no further action will be taken. (The Age, 29/9/2006)

Just last year Triple M tried to rein in The Coot - apparently without success. What form does the retraining take, I wonder? Whatever they used last time obviously didn't take. Maybe the AFL has the right idea in lambasting the standards of footy commentary after all.

While the onset of Newman's "grumpy old man disorder" undermines respect for elders, it certainly helps promote early retirement. Not to mention legalised euthanasia.

---

Tonight sees the first free-to-air broadcasting of the controversial documentary Footy Chicks. With a limited theatrical release earlier in the year, this will be the first chance for many of us to see this harrowing account of what happens in the bars, toilets and hotel rooms after the match. From the seedy to the depressing, it's sure to be an eye-opener. Set your VCRs (or DVRs) to SBS, 10pm tonight (Friday 29th of September). My write-up to follow shortly.

Word Count: 668

Tags: footy, gambling, media, rape, sleaze

Pissy Tarrant Lashes Out At Media

A petulant Chris Tarrant (of the troubled Collingwood FC) has gone on the offensive after reading a less-than-flattering piece in The Australian about his legendary drinking binges. In a brave display of machismo, his manager even mentioned defamation action. Uh oh!

Many people were shocked to learn the Tarrant reads the broadsheets at all. More likely, he has a media monitoring service scouring the globe for references to himself, sending him clippings (Hi Mrs Tarrant, if you're reading!). Hell, along with police statements, these newspaper reports are probably the only way he can fill in those "missing hours" on weekends.

"What did you get up to on Saturday, Taz?"

"Dunno - let me just flick through mX ... Yeah, 'parrantly I was at Motel.".

The piece in question - extensively reproduced below due to the Murdoch press's reluctance to leave material online - certainly painted a picture of a "Rock and Roll Lifestyle":

TWO weeks after he was involved in a drunken brawl outside a Port Melbourne nightclub, Chris Tarrant was back at the bar. This time there was no fight and no police investigation.

Tarrant appeared to have trouble standing but didn't find trouble. As he stumbled on to the pavement outside to make his way home the only thing thumping was the music.

...

Tarrant left no later than 2am.

A few nights later, Tarrant was spotted at a Jet concert, drink in one hand, cigarette in the other. Whatever the lessons of Tarrant's infamous Pie fight with team-mate Ben Johnson, the out-of-form forward hasn't let it curb his rock 'n roll lifestyle.

When these instances are brought to the attention of Collingwood officials, you can hear their exasperation on the other end of the phone line. A part of them wants to know the latest Taz tale but mostly, they'd rather not.

Whatever Tarrant gets up to in his spare time is best kept between Tarrant and the barman. A remarkable Saturday night is when Tarrant heads home early; not when he stays out late.

...

Tarrant has played poorly for the past three weeks and tested the patience of his team-mates and coach.

He was fined $5000, as was Johnson, for involving himself in a car park brawl at 3am. He has been mooted for trade but does not accept that an AFL playing contract, alcohol and regular late nights make for a combustive mix. (The Australian, 18/8/2006)

Hardly character assassination, but enough to see hairy-chested talk of lawsuits bandied around. What really got Tarrant's entourage steamed was the allegation that Tarrant was at a Jet concert with a drink and smoke:

Tarrant's manager Paul Connors said the report was incorrect and the player was with him on the night he was alleged to have been at the concert.

"Quite frankly it is defamatory, unless there's a significant retraction and apology in the paper tomorrow we will be considering our legal position," Connors told radio station 3AW. (The Australian, 18/8/2006)

Really? Defamation action? Could they argue with a straight face that this actually worsened Tarrant's reputation in the eyes of the public? Rival broadsheet The Age noted:

Tarrant's manager Paul Connors demanded a retraction, saying the player had not even attended the concert and instead had been at his house for dinner that evening. The Australian ran a small correction yesterday, but it did not satisfy Connors. "We will be meeting with our lawyers on Monday, the apology fell short of what we expected," he said yesterday. (Psst, The Age, 20/8/2006)

I couldn't find any references to this "correction" or lodging of papers with the Victorian County Court, but I'll continue to keep an eye on developments.

Poor Chris. Under siege from all fronts. It must be tough being a massively wealthy, famous and worshipped young man with all that free time. That's why you need friends like Eddie McGuire to step up to bat for you:

... McGuire said the scrutiny on Tarrant, sidelined by shin splints, was "totally unfair".

...

"We understand that Collingwood sells papers ... I run a media company, I know what the attraction of Collingwood is.

"But it is unfair at times when the scrutiny goes onto these young men. While it's a big story for the media, big stories come and go ... but the football clubs and even their families have to deal with the aftermath of that and we have to be very careful that we don't push these highly strung young athletes at times too far." (The Australian, 19/8/2006)

Can we presume that "highly strung" is Eddie's codeword for "psychologically-damaged", "anti-social" and "mal-adjusted"? Eddie's all about making excuses for his footballers' behaviour, because they might win him a Premiership. What a shallow, avaricious little man.

Chris Tarrant also got much-needed support from the venerable silver-back of the Collingwood troop, Nathan Buckley. In a positive sign, Buckley conceded that the media scrutiny (perhaps including this website) was working:

Buckley confirmed the playing group had met this week and resolved to stay away from nightclubs until the end of the finals campaign.

"We needed to get together and reinforce the values of the team," he said.

"We needed to discuss how we were going to control the situations that are, by and large, out of our control, and that is the environment we found ourselves as a club and a playing group.

"Part of that is taking ourselves out of that environment.

"We discussed that and we hope not to have a continuation of what we have been seeing and reading."

He said the pressure and scrutiny on AFL footballers was intensifying every year.

"I just think it is a vicious cycle at the moment that I don't enjoy and I'm sure most of the other players don't enjoy," he said. (Herald-Sun, 20/8/2006)

Yeah, I bet they don't like the scrutiny. Remember back in the day, when players could enjoy a night out by getting shit-faced, going the biff in the carpark and then taking turns on a young woman in the toilets - and none of it got in the papers? Ahhh, memories ...

Of course, all of this talk of a ban on Collingwood players in nightclubs seems at odds with their decision to purchase The Beach nightclub in Albert Park, for $7 million (or 7 Buckleys, in Collingwood currency).

Gifted wordsmith and diarist Jonathan Green (of The Age) had dipped his quill in a particularly-vicious poison when he penned this barb-laden riposte:

The Collingwood Football Club did the only sensible thing for an organisation continually undermined by what seems to be a rabid culture of undisciplined binge drinking: it bought a pub. Faced with a playing list heavy with aggressive drunks and a running sore of bad publicity, the next step was obvious: bring the drinking and the brawling and the drunk-driving and the bitch-slapping in-house. Thus it was that the Pies forked out $7 million for their own Albert Park nightclub, The Beach.

It won't be long before fans, locals and club diehards alike can enjoy a quiet beer in the convivial surrounds of the 4am licensed Tarrant/Johnson Bar or treat the girlfriend to a bag of chips and a shandy in the Alan Didak Lounge. Pull up in the Cameron Cloke car park for one of the club's signature "Braindamage" nights or just dance away amid the flashing lights and flailing haymakers of the Dane Swan disco.

At the end of the evening why not use the free in-house phone to dial 1300-MIL-LANE for a lift home? It's a car-pool service run with an emphasis on speed and erratic lane changes by club legends Chad Morrison and Brodie Holland.

Football hasn't seen the like since North Melbourne — in a comparatively modest venture — unveiled the Wayne Carey toilet back in 2002. (The Age, 19/8/2006)

(NB: hyperlinks added by me, to ensure people "get" the references.)

Wow. I am in awe. I've been bagging footballers for 18 months, but it never occurred to me to publish Darren Millane jokes. I've long-enjoyed Green's prose, but he has now been elevated to genius status. I prostrate myself before The Master. Please, sir, can we have another?

Citations: The Australian, 18/8/2006; The Australian, 18/8/2006; The Australian, 19/8/2006; Herald-Sun, 20/8/2006; The Age, 19/8/2006

Word Count: 1421

Tags: footy, spoilt_rotten, media

AFL Versus The Commentators

The current round of re-negotiations of radio rights has resulted in an unusual lack of unity among football's elite, with AFL officials calling names of those who call the games. Politics may make for strange bedfellows, but big business sees you kicked out of bed for farting - even when you both just chowed down on the same enormous and dangerously-spicy vindaloo.

As usual, The Age led with notification of the outbreak of hostilities:

AFL clubs unhappy with the standard of football commentary have complained to the competition's governing body about negative, self-indulgent and poorly prepared commentators.

They believe the culprits are trashing the AFL brand, and its chief executive, Andrew Demetriou, said last night he had taken the clubs' concerns on board.

He told The Age he would be raising it with the game's broadcasters, all entering new agreements with the AFL from 2007. (The Age, 11/8/2006)

The clubs beating up the commentators? You could imagine the bind this puts poor old Eddie McGuire in. On the one hand, he's a club president and has to present a unified front to the AFL. On the other hand, he's paid to make money for shareholders in commercial media - plus they're all his mates and he wants them to like him and keep inviting him to their boozers. What to do, hey Eddie? The answer: keep uncharacteristically quiet. Let's all hope he approaches his other conflicts of interest (and crises of conscience) with similar aplomb.

Anyway, it's great to see that the AFL has recognised it's brand is in jeopardy. You know, with all the court cases, drunken attacks, driving offences, drug abuse and what not. What's worrying - profoundly disconcerting, really - is that they reckon the source is the poor quality of game commentary on commercial radio. Right. Is this deflection? A chance to screw the broadcasters for a better price? Or is it an effort to signal that they will accept lower prices from licencees in return for "proper" (ie more favourable) comment? Disturbing, no?

But let's look a little more closely at the specific allegations made against the current crop of callers:

[Malcolm] Blight was one commentator singled out for not always having done his pre-game homework.

However, it was a discussion about Rex Hunt and how his personal problems had hijacked 3AW's coverage of round-eight matches.

This prompted what became, according to Mr Demetriou, a "passionate discussion".

Several clubs also pointed to some hypocrisy among commentators when discussing the personal lives of footballers.

"It began with Rex Hunt, but it became a pretty general and passionate discussion, with quite a few clubs worried that commentators from time to time trashed the brand," said Mr Demetriou, who himself last season upset the Sydney Swans by criticising their style of play.

"That was the general consensus. Seven or eight clubs raised concerns.

"They felt that commentators too often talked about themselves and not about the game. Clubs felt they were being bagged unfairly, and that the umpires were too often castigated. Just when we're taking one step forward, then it's two steps backward.

...

Fremantle chief executive Cameron Schwab confirmed that his club had led the charge on raising concerns with the AFL commentary.

"How the game is presented has a huge bearing on how people perceive the game," said Mr Schwab.

"We don't want to sanitise football commentary, but too often it's self-indulgent, matey, and displays a lack of homework.(The Age, 11/8/2006)

Naturally, a bunch of opinionated, overpaid, over-inflated, middle-aged men weren't about to take this lying down. No siree, they were in the papers the very next day. Channel Nine's Gary Lyon led the charge:

... Lyon said a deterioration in the standard of the game had forced commentators to be more creative with their callings.

"We get a lot of people that say they love the fact that we can have a laugh and joke," he said.

"Maybe one or twice we might have stepped over the line, but I reckon on 95 per cent of occasions we respect the game, which is the most important thing."

Lyon said clubs needed to take responsibility for improving the quality of football.

"If the game was great, there wouldn't be an issue, you'd just call it and be entertained, but the unfortunately, the game in a lot of instances is crap. It's not much fun to call." (The Age, 12/8/2006)

Ah, so it's the game's fault that they have to resort to such shenanigans in order to make the whole thing bearable.

So, to recap, the AFL and the clubs are upset that AFL commentators:

• Don't do their homework. (Ie are ignorant, lazy and misinformed.)


• Are hypocritical.(Ie condemn bad behaviour while doing it themselves.)


• Trash the AFL brand. (Ie cause the AFL brand to be worth less money.)


• Too often talk about themselves. (Ie instead of the game.)


• Bag clubs unfairly. (Ie don't hold all clubs to the same standards.)


• Too often self-indulgent. (Ie gratifying themselves, not listeners.)


• Too matey. (Ie too many in-jokes and point-scoring.)

Here's a thought experiment. Have a look at that list. Now ask yourself what would happen if you put a group of has-been footballers in front of a captive audience. Now take another look at the list. Now take a look at this list:

• Malcolm Blight


• Gary Lyon


• Rex Hunt


• Sam Newman


• Brian Taylor


• etc

How can the AFL criticise a pack of former footballers (and various pretenders and "mates") for atrocious, self-indulgent, lazy, boorish obnoxiousness? Sure, maybe those at the AFL haven't made this link (lack of homework)? Maybe they don't care (hypocrisy)? Or maybe they're being unfair in setting their standards by distinguishing between former and current players?

Nah. For years, the AFL has promoted a culture of scorn, arrogance, contempt and aggression. They made money out of it. Defended it in public. Foisted more and more of it on us. And now they have to listen to all that ill-informed bile directed at themselves.

I can't be the only person enjoying the sweet, sweet deliciousness of the irony of the AFL having it's horribly ill-conceived bastard children turn on it like that.

Hey Andrew Demetriou! Andy! Hear that? That rustling sound? That, my friend, is the sound of your chickens coming home to roost.

*** Update ***
This isn't strictly relevant to my point - that most commentators are former footballers and hence it's a bit rich for the AFL to complain about their lack of professionalism - but is still bloody funny. It involves former player and fisherman Rex Hunt. Here's Rexy-baby out of the blocks:

"The AFL appears to not only want to control the game, which I don't think they are at the minute by the way, but they appear to want to control what is said and broadcast and printed about its so-called product," a fired-up Hunt said yesterday.

...

"... I have a responsibility to the game. That may be well, but I don't have a responsibility to tell untruth to say the game is marvellous when it's crap."

Hunt said some of the games played this season had been "cheap, nasty and downright boring". "Some of the chippy, crappy stuff is an insult to the people who pay for the game."

Hunt believes the AFL will try to control what commentators say about the game. "It is clear in the negotiations between the broadcasting people for radio that the AFL want a certain criteria. I'm concerned for the game and the next crop of broadcasting puppets … who has to try for six hours to talk up a game that has become boring and far-fetched from the good old-fashioned spirit of Aussie rules.

"I'm sad to say that after nearly 40 years in the game and 27 behind this microphone, I honestly believe that 3AW is a real chance to lose the football to a station that will be dictated to by the AFL. The saddest thing of all, of course, is that the game we all love will be no longer be the people's game, it will be the AFL's game and woe betide anyone who has the hide to criticise it." (The Age, 13/8/2006)

At this point, 3AW station management took Rex aside and slapped him around a bit. They are in the middle of negotiations for the rights to call AFL matches and Rex's outburst was hardly helping. A contrite Rex had to slink off to AFL House, cap in hand, tugging his forelock and generally offering to be a good "broadcasting puppet" (his words, not mine):

CONTROVERSIAL Melbourne 3AW football caller Rex Hunt has accepted he was incorrect in suggesting the AFL was trying to censor him.

After being summoned to a meeting yesterday with AFL chief executive Andrew Demetriou, Hunt said: "I was mis-informed and assured the AFL was not trying to gag me.

"They took offence that I said they were trying to control what was said."

...

"I was given a rap over the knuckles by station management, which I accept," Hunt said.

"I look forward to working for 3AW and the AFL for the next three years because we are confident the new radio deal will see our partnership continue. (The Australian, 16/8/2006)

Before you feel too sorry for Rex - a chronic sufferer of foot-in-mouth disease - for all that gagging, humiliation and dressing-down in public, please keep in mind that he may have a different reaction to such attention.

Good on ya, Rex. Keep on swingin', mate!

Citations: The Age, 11/8/2006; The Age, 11/8/2006; The Age, 13/8/2006; The Australian, 16/8/2006

Word Count: 1639

Tags: footy, media

Sunday Morning Recovery

Poor old Justin Koschitzke. The St Kilda player has been plagued by injuries and then appeared on Sunday morning television all sort of vague and with slurred speech before collapsing.

Now, I'm going to admit to uncharitable thoughts when I saw that. "Uh oh", I thought, "Here's another footballer who's turned up to a morning commitment after having too much fun the night before." Was that wrong of me? After all, it was just this week that the Kangaroo's sanctioned full-back Jonathan Hay for getting on the piss the night before and putting in a lack-lustre performance in the VFL. And let's not forget the sorry state of Laurence "Moses" Angwin when he turned up to training ...

But then cool heads pointed out that Justin Koschitzke had in fact recently received a rather bad bump to his noggin, resulting in a fractured skull. Ah, that explains it! If this were an episode of House, then right about now Foreman the neurologist would be urging House to cancel the tox-screen in favour of an MRI (or CT scan?). House, no doubt, would persist with the tox-screen and possibly a lumbar puncture (merciless bastard that he is) ... but would he be right?

In a curious perversion of normal behaviour, St Kilda's PR flaks it seems would back House. The club has been at great pains to point out that his collapse was unrelated to his head injuries. So, now what do we think? One line being peddled is that he didn't have breakfast. So, by 10:30am he was vague, with slurred speech and collapsed on television. Another line is that he had stagefright. Like many people, I've skipped breakfast and didn't pass out by mid-morning. I've also been nervous and didn't have slurred speech. So I'm not sure about these lines, but there may be others.

Anyway, now's your chance to play House and make up your own mind with a video clip of the incident. Here at the Speccy, we're all hoping Justin gets better - even though he's a professional footballer, we don't want to see people collapsing on telly.

Word Count: 362

Tags: footy, media

AFL Video Rights Heats Up

Free-to-air and pay TV aren't the only source of footy fun - the rights to closed-circuit TV and security camera footage are also strenuously contested by media heavy-weights.

The argie-bargie surrounding the AFL TV Rights is almost impenetrable - while massive corporations and egos collide in court, dodgy deals see these same sinister forces ganging up behind the scenes. It's Corporate Australia's version of Lord of the Flies. And with figures like $1 billion being bandied around, the stakes are as high as they get.

Most of this big fuss is generated by the AFL flogging off the right to broadcast the footy to a mouth-breathing, semi-comatose and couch-bound viewing public. Naturally, the AFL players' union wants to ensure the overpaid sport stars get their greedy little mitts on as much cash as is going. (Mind you, prising cash out of Kerry Packer's chubby pinkies is no mean feat.)

But what you don't hear about is the secret deals being done to secure rights to that other important broadcast medium for AFL players: security camera footage of their indiscretions. After Winston Abraham was spectacularly caught on camera brawling at Crown Casino, AFL media executives have realised the revenue potential of CCTV and security footage. Sources reveal that the Packer-owned Crown Casino complex is in negotiations for the rights to broadcast subsequent AFL-related biffo on their Nine network.

Given the persistent rumours about what that starlet was caught doing on camera on Crown's roof several years ago, there may be enough material for Nine to show a rude Uplate version too. Of course, the in-toilet cameras might not just capture cubicle sex, but also inadvertently capture a lot of AFL players and their hangers-on powdering their noses.

Adding to the bidding frenzy, the Melbourne City Council is purported to be offering Seven and Ten access to their own extensive security camera network, being installed for the upcoming Commonwealth Games. Of particular interest to a niche but lucrative "pink dollar" market is the footage from the camera outside the gents' toilets in the various city parks. A tie-in with BetFair would allow wagering on just exactly which AFL players are dropping by late at night, providing additional income streams.

The prospects of AFL players shagging, snorting and fighting their way down Melbourne's public thoroughfares is too enticing for the TV networks to pass up. The AFL is no doubt upset at the alternative distribution of their prized content: football player violence. Legal experts predict that fighting in view of a security camera may constitute a breach of player contracts, attracting unwelcome fines. (After all, if some dumb millionaire is going to get his jaw broken, bogans will want to watch it. And the AFL will want to ensure they get paid.) Perversely, this may be a far more effective deterrent than the "softly-softly" approach of star-struck police, who seem only too eager to chauffer players around, bungle investigations and generally refuse to make trouble for their AFL heroes.

In any case, these negotiations for security footage rights continue in secret and it's unlikely the final outcomes will be known until well into the New Year. So if you think you're about to get bashed by a footy player, smile and ask for his agent's number: you just might make it on to the telly.

Word Count: 566

Tags: footy, media, bashing, payola

Review: The Footy Show (Ours and Theirs)

The culture surrounding AFL footy is much like that surrounding yoghurt left in the sun. Nowhere is this better exemplified than the loathsome AFL Footy Show. For those not in the know, this is a Channel Nine sports/variety show (presumably screened during prime-time only in the AFL states of SA, Victoria and Tasmania and possibly WA). Australian television has a strong tradition of sport/comedy television, particularly on the ABC. There was Denton's Live and Sweaty (later taken on by Elle McFeast), Tony Squire's The Fat, Roy and H.G., and who could forget Graham and The Colonel from The Late Show.

There is a "northern" (or rugby) version called the NRL Footy Show, following the same format, production values etc made out of Sydney. As a Melburnian, I'm incensed that theirs is far superior. Dammit! Why is that?

For starters, the regulars on the NRL Footy Show are ex-players. These guys - Fatty, Sterlo, Chief and Matty - have a genuine rapport that can only come with being a part of the game for so long. They actually seem to like each other and are not afraid to be affectionate, even sentimental. This was evident last night when Fatty returned after a couple of months recovering from some sort of accident. You could really feel the love in the room!

The humour is undeniably Australian, and they're not afraid to put themselves down, look stupid or take the piss from the assembled guests and players. But it's all done in good fun, devoid of viciousness or nastiness. While they clearly love their sport, they're not fawning or rude and have a sense of perspective.



By way of contrast, the Aussie Rules (or "southern") version is excruciating and lame. For starters, the line-up is weak. We've got millionaire media figure and club owner Eddie McGuire, floundering out of his depth. Somewhere a used-car is going unsold because of his involvement in this show.

Then, we have Sam Newman (the only host to actually play the game), a man who has spent much of his life being the only person in the room to have read an entire book. In AFL circles, this qualifies him as a Chomsky-like public intellectual, and it's warped his personality. He's not shy about inflicting his catchcry "You idiot" on the public, especially the elderly or people for whom English is their second language. Har, bloody, har.

Lastly, to add some showbiz razzle-dazzle we have Trevor Marmalade. I've got no view on his basic decency or good-bloke status, but I find his brand of humour (vaudeville-style gags straight out of "The Bumper Book of 1001 Gags Guaranteed to Make You Wet Yourself") very dated and old-fashioned. It might play well down at the RSL, but we won't be seeing his innovative comedy stylings at the Fringe Festival any time soon.

The on-stage vibe is aggressive, sometimes hostile. The humour is nasty and frequently sexist and racist. The five minute soap parodies are cheap, humourless and lame beyond description. Some (ex-)players are feted as gods while other guests are humiliated for a laugh. The hosts and guests show no talent for self-deprecation or taking the piss out of each other - key requirements for Australian humourists. It's all egos bumping up against each other, leading to an ugly undercurrent permeating the entire show.

In short - where's the love? The AFL Footy Show producers should take a long look at the NRL Footy Show and follow their example. It's telling that they can't find any thoughtful, talented, funny bastards from the ranks of retired AFL players to make the line-up.

C'mon, surely Melbourne deserves to wrest back the crown of footy-based comedy - or is The Fifth Quarter the best we can manage?

Word Count: 655

Tags: footy, culture, media