The AFL Player Spectator Current AFL Threat Level

Millionaires with a Year Ten Education

Monday, September 04, 2006

Warning: Elevated Risks From "Mad Monday"

*** WARNING ***

Please be advised that Monday the 4th of September is "Mad Monday". This is an extremely dangerous time to be near footballers, so all Melburnians are advised to take necessary precautions.


"Mad Monday" is the first Monday after the conclusion of regular AFL matches (or the "home and away" season). This means that eight out of the 16 teams are out of the competition and so can finally indulge in all manner of pent up vices. Expect roughly 300 disappointed and angry footballers to be cutting loose on the town from this date, relieving a five month backlog of aggro and excess.


You can expect hundreds of large, frustrated and psychologically-damaged men to be roaming the streets in groups. Many will be aggressive and drunk. Owing to their reduced alcohol tolerance, you should expect several to be out of control, with some looking to get into fights. Others may well be drug-affected. If you're lucky, they'll just be on ecstasy or marijuana. The worst-case scenario is an encounter with footballers who have taken crystal meth and cocaine. Disturbingly, we've had reports of attempts by footballers to use so-called "date rape" drugs like rohypnol. Do not accept drinks from players, and do not leave your drink unattended.

We've had specific intelligence from former player (and commentator) Dermot Brereton about the nature of "Mad Monday" celebrations:
Brereton, who starred for Hawthorn in the 1980s and still has close contact with players through his commentator duties, said drug-taking was said to be preferred to alcohol in post-season celebrations.

"We heard rumours that somebody turned up to one of those mad Mondays and there wasn't a beer in sight ... (The Australian, 31/3/05, reported in The Speccy)

Please be advised that the salubrious nature of "Mad Monday" can corrupt even upstanding captains of industry, with some easily swept up in the surge of debauchery:

Eddie McGuire Led Astray During "Mad Monday" 2005
Source: After Grog Blog


We've elevated the AFL Footballer Threat Index to Condition Red (the highest threat level). You should avoid venues likely to attract footballers and leave if they appear:
  • Football club rooms

  • Any pub with football paraphernalia

  • Known drug-dealing precincts

  • Expensive restaurants (that lack a dress code)

  • Year 10 formals (private girls' schools only)

If you see a footballer, secure your own safety and immediately visit the AFL Misbehaviour Market to place your bets on whether or not that player will be appearing next in court. If the player is passed out in the gutter and about to swallow his tongue or drown in his own vomit, do not approach him. Instead, you should consider short-selling his stock.

Lastly, if you have not already done so, you should visit The Speccy Shop, where (subject to your local laws), you can pick up some products that could save your life, including our popular line of stun guns, pepper spray, drink spike detectors and first aid kits. These products - and many others in our extensive catalogue - have been carefully selected to offer you maximum protection against footballer attack. (Or recovery from an attack, in the case of the DNA kits and STD Self-Diagnosis Handbook.)

Please, people, play it safe. If you know of any places where footballers congregate - especially pub, clubs and bars - please provide a tip-off in the comments below to help out your fellow citizens.

Acting together, we can get through this dangerous ordeal without further injuries.

Word Count: 604

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  • Lock up your daughters, pets and anything else you hold dear, the smell of footballers on the prowl is in the air!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:44 pm, September 04, 2006  

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  • I might also recommend people park their cars in a garage overnight.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:52 pm, September 04, 2006  

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  • i agree with Benny Wallace, lock up any good looking girl cause the AFL players are looking for some hot puss. be carefull!!!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:19 pm, September 05, 2006  

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  • PETE... you are a drongo< were did you think of that bullshit you idiot!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:22 pm, September 05, 2006  

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  • Fuck you sammy! your the drongo, you know that the footballers will be on the prowl, put your missis out there and see what happens! faggit.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:26 pm, September 05, 2006  

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  • And if Chris Tarrant demands a lift from you ... for Christ's sake don't give him one! Ring for Chad Morrison or Brodie Holland to come and pick him up.

    (Get them to drop Taz off at Mick Malthouse's place - I'm sure he'd be delighted to see him on his doorstep at 3am.)

    By Blogger Greg, at 12:32 pm, September 05, 2006  

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  • Thankfully Collingwood are still in the thing for at least another week; adequate time to prepare for the social tsunami that is chris tarrant.
    Pete has a good point, footy players like sharks, sniff fresh meat from miles away. They attack with ferocity, the victim knows not what has hit them and in one or two blows, the job is done. Women of Melbourne, be vigilant.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:00 pm, September 05, 2006  

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  • Hey there here is some ammo for Mad Monday or should I say Friday.... Ottens over the limitX2

    By Blogger Neal, at 7:24 pm, September 09, 2006  

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  • Thanks for the tip, Neal. Got the write up here. Hope you got in early on buying up the Cats' contracts on the Misbehaviour Market.

    By Blogger Greg, at 4:22 pm, September 11, 2006  

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  • i agree with ben. good idea locking up thy daughters. just make sure it is secure and she is the only one in there when you lock the door. also have no windows that can be broken.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:08 pm, September 10, 2007  

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